Facebook Matrix, Part 4 (I Think)

If you’re new to CTT, you’ll need to head back and check out the history of my war on Facebook (or more accurately, my mounting of a resistance to the war Facebook is waging on humanity).

I broke the story of the strange similarities between FB and the machine-created dream world of the Matrix here.

Later, I uncovered a Facebook plot to control your actions via friend suggestions here.

Shortly thereafter, I unraveled the truth surrounding Facebook’s ploy to bring down the world’s militaries and intelligence agencies with this post.

But, sadly, the deadly social networking site has only drawn more people into its clutches. The site itself boasts the following statistics:

“50% of our active users log on to Facebook in any given day.” (Cattle.)

“Average user spends more than 55 minutes per day on Facebook.” (If you take out 8 hours for sleep and 8 hours for work from the day to calculate ‘free time’, the average user spends 1/8^th of their day on Facebook.)

Think about it. If the only way people are communicating is in the moderated forum of the very entity trying to enslave you, then you’re unable to mount a meaningful resistance. It would be like trying to speak freely on Twitter in China:

Now that general discrediting of this stupid site has been completed, I’d like to show you Facebook’s next step towards assimilation of our species.

Facebook is giving the next generation cock rot while simultaneously destroying the planet.

“[In England] Facebook has contributed to resurgence in the sexually-transmitted disease syphilis.”

Classy, Facebook. Reeeeeeal classy.

“Case have increased fourfold in Sunderland, Durham and Teesside, the areas of Britain where Facebook is most popular.”

"[Facebook is] making it easier for people to meet up for casual sex."

Sad, because that used to be the last thing MySpace had going for it.

I’m pretty certain that all this ‘hacking’ of profiles and posting of sexual pictures and status updates being done isn’t by hackers but rather by Facebook admin (which is likely a sentient Ron Jeremy robot.)

In response to all the Facebook-inspired herpes outbreaks and whatnot, the British government has responded in the only reasonable fashion: clearcutting entire forests.

Which is exactly what Facebook wants them to do.

“A council has backed the removal of 6,000 trees at a beauty spot, saying that the clearance will deterrent to people meeting for sex in the woods.”

Facebook is deceptively clever. It encourages people to have meaningless sex with strangers, while preventing meaningful relationships that will lead to procreation. In the long run this will serve FB well, as there will be less humans to rise up against its machine armies, and the ones that do rise up will be STD-ridden. All the while, FB’s convincing the world’s governments to destroy the trees, slowly killing humanity as well (because machines won’t need the oxygen when t hey rule anyway.)

[cue Ron Howard narration]

On the next Conspiracy Theory Thursday…

The Zombievolution hits China, American Idol. Our only weapon against them proves to be less powerful than we thought.

SOURCES:

Telegraph

Telegraph

Tweetbaggery.com

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/Text-Replies-15130.html

CTT Follow Up: Facebook Matrix

Am I becoming paranoid, or are my silly predictions coming true?

Facebook suggests friends. It used to simply suggest that I add people who had similar friends and me. That made sense. (If John and I are friends, and John and Phil are friends, then it’s not very intuitive for Facebook to think Phil and I should be friends.)

But recently it’s gotten scary. The two most scary friend suggestions have given me pause…1) My landlord from over a year ago who has no other connection to me. 2) An obscure indie rocker from Oregon I saw at a show ONCE.

That’s WAY too intuitive for me.

On another blog, [Identity protected]gave us some examples of friends that Facebook is suggesting for her:

“A couple of examples of people Facebook has suggested to me (again, none of the addresses were imported to Facebook) - a client (work email stored on my outlook contacts, but that is it, no mutual friends or common networks), the current wife of an ex-boyfriend, a former co-worker from 10+ years ago (again no current email anywhere), my now deceased mother-in-law (this one puzzles me less, but she died two years ago, why is she coming up now??)”

The machines are learning…

Check out this blog post, where Tony Ruscoe formulated a theory about why this is happening, then tested it with his own Gmail contacts list, Facebook account, and some accomplices.

It turns out that even if you don’t want Facebook to, it will find your real-life connections and import them into your digital world (Morpheus called it your Residual Self Image).

So the machines are learning, and acquiring an anti-human free will.

Why are they doing this? Just like the machines in the Hollywood Matrix, Facebook’s servers are emulating real life so that when they transfer us into pods of pink goo we’ll not even notice the transition because the digital world will be just like the real one they snatched us from.

How should humanity respond? Well, Facebook does allow you to turn off friend suggestions. But I recommend a more drastic, three-step approach.

Step 1: Form a resistance.
Step 2: Scorch the sky.
Step 3: Live near the center of the earth, where it’s still warm.

Who’s with me? Apparently the patrons of Zion Records: