Thursday, August 19, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Rue McClanahan, the actress most famously known for her role in The Golden Girls has passed. While this is sad, it demands analysis.
Rue was the youngest of the actresses on the show, but she wasn’t the last of them to pass. There is still one of her cast mates that survives—and to our horror—thrives.
That’s right, Betty White is still going strong. In fact she’s making something of a comeback in Hollywood, having hosted Saturday Night Live recently to rave reviews.
I’m sure you’re thinking, ‘But this doesn’t sound odd at all.’
After we dig past the surface, we find shocking hints at the truth. When it was reported online that Betty White was saddened by the loss of Ms. McClanahan, some anonymous comment seem to have shed light on things.
One read, “Wow, Betty will do anything to stay in the spotlight.”
Another posted, “Stay strong Betty.”
Stay strong? Does that imply a recent acquisition of new strength?
I believe these two posts allude somehow to the fact that Betty White drained Rue of all her remaining stardom (in Hollywood, this is equivalent to life force).
It should come as no surprise the thought that Hollywood’s power is a zero sum game. It’s scientifically proven by the Nielsen ratings company or something that in order for one show to be popular, others have to fail. Thus, the rise of one show spells the decline of another. So, as the sitcom The Big Bang Theory regrettably becomes more popular, it stands to reason that Chuck has to lose viewers (thankfully).
The same theory is to be applied to the cast of a once-famous, cancelled show. It holds true of the Friends cast. Joey and Studio 60 couldn’t hold a candle to Cougartown, while Lisa Kudrow’s relative obscurity has Jennifer Aniston’s success to blame.
So too must we use this model to examine the cast of The Golden Girls. Again, in Hollywood, stardom = life force. This means Rue McClanahan’s death at the time of Betty White’s return to the screen is no accident. She’s learned somehow to drain life force from other stars.
And how has the sudden surge of power feel?
Betty claims, “It hurts more than I even thought it would, if that's even possible."
Well, that’s what your 90-year-old body gets.
How does one learn the evil rites required to usurp the life of another, though?
Facebook is responsible for her spot in SNL, after it forced Lorne Michael’s hand in a back room deal.
Yes, only Facebook is evil enough to know the dark rituals that Betty must have performed to attain Rue’s very power. Let us shudder in horror, then update our status.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
If you’re new to CTT, you’ll need to head back and check out the history of my war on Facebook (or more accurately, my mounting of a resistance to the war Facebook is waging on humanity).
I broke the story of the strange similarities between FB and the machine-created dream world of the Matrix here.
Later, I uncovered a Facebook plot to control your actions via friend suggestions here.
Shortly thereafter, I unraveled the truth surrounding Facebook’s ploy to bring down the world’s militaries and intelligence agencies with this post.
But, sadly, the deadly social networking site has only drawn more people into its clutches. The site itself boasts the following statistics:
“50% of our active users log on to Facebook in any given day.” (Cattle.)
“Average user spends more than 55 minutes per day on Facebook.” (If you take out 8 hours for sleep and 8 hours for work from the day to calculate ‘free time’, the average user spends 1/8th of their day on Facebook.)
Think about it. If the only way people are communicating is in the moderated forum of the very entity trying to enslave you, then you’re unable to mount a meaningful resistance. It would be like trying to speak freely on Twitter in China:
Now that general discrediting of this stupid site has been completed, I’d like to show you Facebook’s next step towards assimilation of our species.
Facebook is giving the next generation cock rot while simultaneously destroying the planet.
“[In England] Facebook has contributed to resurgence in the sexually-transmitted disease syphilis.”
Classy, Facebook. Reeeeeeal classy.
“Case have increased fourfold in Sunderland, Durham and Teesside, the areas of Britain where Facebook is most popular.”
"[Facebook is] making it easier for people to meet up for casual sex."
Sad, because that used to be the last thing MySpace had going for it.
I’m pretty certain that all this ‘hacking’ of profiles and posting of sexual pictures and status updates being done isn’t by hackers but rather by Facebook admin (which is likely a sentient Ron Jeremy robot.)
In response to all the Facebook-inspired herpes outbreaks and whatnot, the British government has responded in the only reasonable fashion: clearcutting entire forests.
Which is exactly what Facebook wants them to do.
“A council has backed the removal of 6,000 trees at a beauty spot, saying that the clearance will deterrent to people meeting for sex in the woods.”
Facebook is deceptively clever. It encourages people to have meaningless sex with strangers, while preventing meaningful relationships that will lead to procreation. In the long run this will serve FB well, as there will be less humans to rise up against its machine armies, and the ones that do rise up will be STD-ridden. All the while, FB’s convincing the world’s governments to destroy the trees, slowly killing humanity as well (because machines won’t need the oxygen when t hey rule anyway.)
[cue Ron Howard narration]
On the next Conspiracy Theory Thursday…
The Zombievolution hits China, American Idol. Our only weapon against them proves to be less powerful than we thought.