The Cult of Kirby

Kirby vacuum salesmen are evil! I’m not saying this because I came home from work to find an odd overweight immigrant vacuuming my carpet. There is something larger and more clandestine at work here.

If you’re not familiar with Kirby, here’s all you need to know: expensive heavy vacuums sold by slimy door-to-door distributors. That’s right, you can’t buy one on their website, or in a store. Straight from Kirby.com How to Buy page, “systems are sold…by independent Kirby Distributors. These professional business men and women are happy to schedule a personal demonstration for you to view our product. You’re darn right they’re happy to do it. Once they cross the threshold to your home they’ll activate some latent sonic device in the model and your wife will be strangely intrigued, and filled with the urge to spend $1200 for a vacuum that’s harder to use than the one you own.

According to the dictionary, a cult refers to a cohesive social group devoted to beliefs or practices that the surrounding population considers to be outside the mainstream. Cults also tend to model themselves after existing church models, with small variations. Knocking on your door in a chipper rhythm, they’ll charm their way into your living room, and make you feel like your life is missing some vital thing. They’ll show you colorful, persuasive literature. They’ll…wait, am I the only one who thinks this is a Mormon offshoot?

Arizona Attorney General Terry Goddard has filed suit against two independent field distributors who make in-home sales of Kirby vacuums for allegedly violating the Arizona Consumer Fraud Act. The Attorney General is claiming the companies targeted the elderly who couldn’t even use the vacuums, but were too nice to say no.

I believe there is a link to Scientology as well. That Hollywood-based religion tends to employ attractive people to increase the drawing power of their product. Both times Kirby sales folks showed up at my place, my wife says a pretty girl was there to set up a demonstration. When she returned at the appointed time, she had a sweaty man in tow and said, “He’ll take care of you. Bye!”

Another scientology link I found was the use of high tech devices to further their nefarious plots. When I asked for the distributor’s information so I could check his business’ credentials, I ran upstairs to get my laptop. By the time I returned, my wi-fi was disabled, and a second man was standing in the room. He claimed to be the supervisor, but when the salesman was on the phone earlier with his supervisor getting me “a better deal”, he said the guy was an hour away. Signal blocking technology? Teleporting capability?

I’ll end with a bit of advice from cockeyed.com. If you have a chance, check out their web site for the total lowdown on Kirby. “Regarding your marriage: If you are married, and haven't yet experienced a Kirby vacuum salesman, it might be a good idea to discuss the absurdity of $1,290 vacuum cleaners right now, before a vacuum salesman arrives. Consider drafting a "love contract to not buy thousand-dollar vacuum cleaners". This pre-planning may help prepare you for that day when the Kirby man comes calling.”

SOURCES:
www.consumeraffairs.com/news04/az_kirby.html
www.kirby.com/Portals/0/howtobuy.html
www.cockeyed.com/citizen/kirby/kirby.html