It started off so innocently…

“Can someone please tell me how to fry twinkies. I tried it last night and they absorbed all the oil. Thanks!”

And then a barrage of replies follows up, answering the questions of how to properly deep fry a Twinkie.

You didn’t catch it did you? There’s a secret phenomenon that we’re being distracted from.

That’s because they don’t want you to know the true power of the Twinkie.

Take another look at the query “they absorbed all the oil.” Seemingly innocuous, this tasty sponge can bestow great powers (and dire curses) upon humanity. Many believe the Twinkie is not of this world, has come from the stars, and like Kryptonite it has curious sway over the minds and bodies of this world.

Several of these traits are known to a small group of enlightened mortals:

The Twinkie can force you to do vile things to push its galactic conservative agenda, as evidenced by the ‘Twinkie Defense’ of Dan White in his trial for the murder of Harvey Milk. White claimed this junk food forced him to kill Milk, but then White’s lawyers mounted a formidable case using the Twinkie as a defense. CONCLUSION: The Twinkie is evil, but fiercely loyal.

The participants in the T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. project spent years subjecting the Twinkie to rigorous scientific testing, and concluded “Twinkies are not sentient in any way we can understand.” CONCLUSION: While most believe this means the Twinkie is not sentient, it actually means this prolific pastry is superior to our minds, above our own comprehension.

Another T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. experiment observed the Twinkie’s reaction to gravitational forces. One of these diabolical delicacies was dropped from a high-rise window, while the ‘control’ cake was simply placed upon the sidewalk. Side-by-side comparison showed that the dropped Twinkie suffered only ‘a small fissure’. CONCLUSION: if you know anything about Twinkies, you know that wound WILL heal.

Finally, a third test yielded curious results: “since the Twinkie is a ‘moist sponge cake’, it is too wet to burn” but “Twinkies actually burn quite nicely once they are dried out.” How is this significant?

“…they absorbed all the oil.”

For those whose minds haven’t collapsed at the sudden revelation, count yourself lucky. The coupling of such eldritch knowledge is akin to that of awareness of Cthulhu. Scoop your brother’s brains off the keyboard, though, and let’s see this to the end.

The Twinkie is capable of defending itself against its only weakness: the flame. I read somewhere that in some remote Oriental cultures, the Twinkie (instead of water) sits opposite fire in the order of the four elements. In fact, many ancient cultures pay homage to this visitor from the heavens.

Now that you know its power (and price)…stand in cautious awe of this galactic goodie, like our enlightened ancestors who erected Twinkhenge in reverence.

SOURCES:

The Query
Twinkie Defense
Twinkie Facts
T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. Project

Raiders of the (Other) Lost Ark

I smell a fifth Indiana Jones movie...

"The Grassy Knoll Institute has uncovered startling evidence that the Ark is in fact an ancient Unidentified Flying Object. At this discovery, the C.I.A. initiated an immediate cover-up to protect the alien technology found still intact on the Ark. The Ark, during the cover of darkness, was airlifted by helicopter from the mountain and flown to the infamous Area 51 in Nevada where it still sits in pieces as every inch has been inspected to unlock the secrets of it’s technology.

Extensive tests were conducted on the Ark and some very peculiar oddities on the shape and design of the Ark were discovered. As recorded in the bible, the Ark was an immense vessel measuring close to the size of a current Navy Aircraft Carrier but much wider. Almost three times wider. The bible also said the Ark was constructed of wood and that it had multiple levels to house the animals in an organized manner.

This has been confirmed as the wood on the Ark was in heavy decay when first brought in to the military hanger. But the bible left something out. They left out the part that the Ark also had an inner hull and shell made of an unknown metal that has no weld seams or blemishes, even to this day. This would make the Ark quite buoyant enabling it to withstand the roughest of sea’s including tidal waves and hurricanes. The vessel also has multiple levels with built in cages with an elaborate drain and air filtering design.

Also found in the Ark is a device believed to be some sort of replicating device that would recycle waste and raw materials and convert it into fresh water and animal food. This device would enable the crew to stock the vessel with supplies and not worry about depleting their resources. If this device can be fully understood, it would give new meaning to the recycling programs in this country. Not to mention water purification centers.

Religious implications that will change the teachings of the bible have also been found inside the Ark. A captains journal, Noah’s journal, has been found inside the living quarters of the Ark. The journal describes the bible story of the great flood. It begins much like the bible’s version with Noah being told by God about a great flood and that the people and animals of the Earth would perish. It was written that the flood would be so great and immense that it would cover the world for 40 days. So far so good.

The next part is where the bible and Noah’s journal part ways. Noah explains in detail that the visitors from the sky had come to help Noah and his family survive. The visitors told Noah of a great fire that was heading toward the earth and when it landed, it would cause a tidal wave that would cover and destroy the world. They would help build him a great Ark so Noah and his family could survive.

Noah was instructed to collect as many farm animals as he could so that they could repopulate the world when the waters subsided. Noah made sure that he had plenty of male and females of each species. Noah worked hand in hand with the visitors for many days until finally the Ark was completed. The visitors then told Noah and his family to enter the Ark and seal it and not to open it until the Visitors came back.

The visitors told Noah that after the flood waters receded, the earth would not look like it did. The fire from the sky along with the waters on the earth would change the landscape forever. Noah and his family would not recognize the world as they knew it. But the visitors would help them in the quest to build a new beginning.

Pretty nice and tidy little ending isn’t it? Not to the Grassy Knoll Institute it isn’t! Continuing in Noah’s journal, he spoke of another sun that appeared in the sky and was getting larger every day. This other sun was actually an asteroid on a collision course with earth.

The aliens, or visitors, knew that the asteroid was to large and that it would destroy the earth and all the living things on it. Having pity on the humans, they decided to help a select few survive. They decided to take Noah and his family with them since their planet would be laid to waste after the asteroid impact. Safe and sound in their sealed up Ark, the alien spacecraft lifted the Ark from the ground and placed it into the cargo hold where they would spend their journey tending the flocks of animals and preparing for a new day and a new world.

The aliens flew at light speed and traveled for over a months time, approximately 40 days and arrived in a very quiet solar system where the third planet from the sun could sustain the life of their passengers. The aliens inspected and surveyed the world and deemed it fit and safe so they informed Noah that the waters were receding and in a day or two, they would be able to spot land.

The aliens then placed the Ark in the sea several miles from shore and told Noah to blow the hatch and to wait for the waters to recede and then embark on his new journey. The sea tides slowly drifted the Ark to shore and Noah’s family walked again on dry land. The first humans on the new planet. Planet Earth. Noah thanked the visitors and a new religion began which has continued to this day."

Source: http://lotgk.wordpress.com/2007/10/17/noahs-ark-and-the-cia/