It started off so innocently…

“Can someone please tell me how to fry twinkies. I tried it last night and they absorbed all the oil. Thanks!”

And then a barrage of replies follows up, answering the questions of how to properly deep fry a Twinkie.

You didn’t catch it did you? There’s a secret phenomenon that we’re being distracted from.

That’s because they don’t want you to know the true power of the Twinkie.

Take another look at the query “they absorbed all the oil.” Seemingly innocuous, this tasty sponge can bestow great powers (and dire curses) upon humanity. Many believe the Twinkie is not of this world, has come from the stars, and like Kryptonite it has curious sway over the minds and bodies of this world.

Several of these traits are known to a small group of enlightened mortals:

The Twinkie can force you to do vile things to push its galactic conservative agenda, as evidenced by the ‘Twinkie Defense’ of Dan White in his trial for the murder of Harvey Milk. White claimed this junk food forced him to kill Milk, but then White’s lawyers mounted a formidable case using the Twinkie as a defense. CONCLUSION: The Twinkie is evil, but fiercely loyal.

The participants in the T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. project spent years subjecting the Twinkie to rigorous scientific testing, and concluded “Twinkies are not sentient in any way we can understand.” CONCLUSION: While most believe this means the Twinkie is not sentient, it actually means this prolific pastry is superior to our minds, above our own comprehension.

Another T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. experiment observed the Twinkie’s reaction to gravitational forces. One of these diabolical delicacies was dropped from a high-rise window, while the ‘control’ cake was simply placed upon the sidewalk. Side-by-side comparison showed that the dropped Twinkie suffered only ‘a small fissure’. CONCLUSION: if you know anything about Twinkies, you know that wound WILL heal.

Finally, a third test yielded curious results: “since the Twinkie is a ‘moist sponge cake’, it is too wet to burn” but “Twinkies actually burn quite nicely once they are dried out.” How is this significant?

“…they absorbed all the oil.”

For those whose minds haven’t collapsed at the sudden revelation, count yourself lucky. The coupling of such eldritch knowledge is akin to that of awareness of Cthulhu. Scoop your brother’s brains off the keyboard, though, and let’s see this to the end.

The Twinkie is capable of defending itself against its only weakness: the flame. I read somewhere that in some remote Oriental cultures, the Twinkie (instead of water) sits opposite fire in the order of the four elements. In fact, many ancient cultures pay homage to this visitor from the heavens.

Now that you know its power (and price)…stand in cautious awe of this galactic goodie, like our enlightened ancestors who erected Twinkhenge in reverence.

SOURCES:

The Query
Twinkie Defense
Twinkie Facts
T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. Project