New Moon Over Moldova

Vampire fever has officially spread to eastern Europe.

Literally.

"Moldova's army is feeding its soldiers onions and garlic to help them ward off swine flu."

Garlic? Eastern Europe? Paranoia? All on the day Twilight: New Moon opens? This sounds too good to be true, and too good to be swine flu.

"Onion and garlic are traditional remedies in Moldova where they are widely believed to boost the immune system."

"Immunity to what?" we should be asking ourselves.

Last I checked, it's less than 150 miles from Transylvania to the Moldova border. Those Moldovans know something we don't! What's going to happen at midnight after the previews finish?

More importantly, what is the US Government doing to protect us? It seems they've once again taken a page from fantasy's playbook.

Just south of Chicago, "Red Gate Woods was a legally protected area for preservation purposes...[until] the US needed a place to secretly research the effects of radiation on animals while building an atomic bomb."

Uh huuuuuh...

"These areas contained...dog kennels..."

Dogs + Radiation = Awesome. Go on...

"According to legend, a young couple, with their newborn baby, were involved in a fatal accident sometime during the 1950’s... in the area. The accident took the lives of the couple, but the baby was thrown clear from the car, and never found.

Yeeeessssss...

"This child was then raised by local wildlife, and he grew a thin coat of grey hair over his entire body…as you’d expect a wolf-boy to do."

Bingo! We have the answer! The US Government probably stole werewolf breeding concepts from the Native Americans over a century ago, but lacked the shamanistic magic to make it happen...until nuclear fission! I think you can substitute radiation for all sorts of things these days; it's like the Splenda of supernatural phenomena.

So rest safe, America. You're in good hands. The US probably has entire units of werewolf soldiers now. And if for some reason the US military hasn't gotten enough research on wolfmen yet, they certainly will after interrogating this dude.

SOURCES:

Soldiers Given Garlic

Chicago Wolfboy

Fairytale America, Part II: NASA Nymphs vs. Lunar Lycanthropes

Last week it was revealed that the U.S. Government is not only living in a fairytale, it’s bringing mythology to the masses, whether we like it or not.

The saga continues as an age old feud resurfaces.

It all started when NASA announced that a rocket will be sent to the moon

with no intention to land. It is meant to impact with the lunar surface (which is a shame, since the 1969 moon landed was a hoax, and Tom Hanks wasn’t able to touch down in Apollo 13, it would have been nice for us to try a third time before giving up and destroying the darn thing.)

It’s no lie, people. NASA will “blow up the moon…a little.” Couple this with the fact that America has a Death Star, and the mind wanders into the science fiction realm. For a while I theorized that liberal scientists would destroy the other heav

enly bodies in our solar system, sending Earth on an inertial jaunt through space, in search of clues to prove the Big Bang and shut up Ben Stein.

But the real conspiracy is more fiction than science fiction, and is much closer to home.

Ever since Revelation13.net (the crazy lady that said Terminator is the key to solving homicide) opened my mind to new vistas of reality, I’ve been convinced that Hollywood is behind almost everything….even the Government.

And Tinseltown’s infatuation with Vampires has grown over the years. In the time of black and white movies, the first vampire flick, Nosferatu, portrayed Vampires as vile abominations. The blood drinkers couldn’t stand such bad PR, and decided to change their appearance. They infiltrated the movie industry and changed the way we view vamps.

***TALK ABOUT AN EXTREME MAKEOVER***

Nowadays Vampires are shown as sexy youngsters just trying to get along with society. The newfound cultural acceptance allowed for lobbying for Vampire rights.

Then affirmative action quotas required the hiring of a minimum number of Vampires into civil service positions. Once in the Government, they simply have to bide their time. (If you think it’s hard getting rid of a regular Government employee, try one who’s immortal.)

But Vampires’ sworn enemies are werewolves; why on earth would they care about space?

Here it comes…

Vampires have taken over NASA and are going to destroy the moon so that their werewolf rivals can’t spawn new offspring.

Per werewolf lore: “…it was said that a man could turn into a werewolf if he…slept outside on a summer night with the full moon shining directly on his face…

“Involuntary werewolves…are werewolves by an accident of birth or health. In some cultures, individuals born during a new moon or suffering from epilepsy were considered likely to be werewolves.”

Destroying the moon sounds like some serious Health Care reform. Is our new president a Vampire?

You decide. But to all of you who say there’s no such thing as black Vampires...

NEXT WEEK: Ali Baba and the 535 Thieves.

SOURCES:
NASA TO BLOW UP MOON
WEREWOLF LORE
SOME ASIAN GUY