Drink Coke, Inch'Allah

Oh, man, is this a good one!

"Extremist Moslems have not dropped their allegations that Pepsi Cola is essentially the code name for a Zionist plot."

Yeah, I bet you didn't know those allegations existed, huh?! Well, they do. And Coca-Cola marketers--I mean Muslim clerics--aren't letting up. Because when you buy Pepsi you're really committing to "Pay Every Penny to Save Israel," according to terrorist group Hamas MP Salem Salamah.

"Cleric Abu Ismail all but called for a Muslim boycott of Pepsi because it stands for ‘Pay Every Penny Saving Israel.’"

Abu Ismail said a penny is “one-thousandth of a dollar.”

Oh, Abu, you blew it. A thousandth of a dollar? Really?

But then The Xenohistorian puts it into perspective, and my paranoid brain starts churning...

Hey says, "You could have fooled me. A better case can be made for Pepsi backing Barack Obama. Yesterday I saw the current Pepsi logo on a sign, in front of the country store I drive past on the way to work every day, and at first I thought it was the Obama logo sideways."

And then I find out that there are allegations that under Obama the Missile Defense logo has changed. Let's take a look.

Looks a lot like the Islamic symbol, no?

Wait, come to think of it. Doesn't a Coca-Cola bottle look a lot like a Scud Missile?

Oh man, does that mean that the swirling lights in Switzerland in December really WERE a Russian missile test? Is there an Obama-Russian-Muslim-Coke conspiracy?!?!

No wonder Tom Cruise is spending millions of dollars for a bomb shelter. He's not hiding from aliens, like this article suggests, but rather hiding from the coming doom here on earth.

SOURCES:

The Atlantic Wire

Xenohistorian

Israel National News

This London

Hugo, Why You Gotta Be So Haiti?

Let's all welcome Hugo Chavez to the list of most famous Conspiracy Theorists. He recently blamed the U.S. Government for the earthquake in Haiti, claiming that the Navy launched a tectonic weapon. He states that this was only a test, and that once the weapon is refined, Iran will be the ultimate target.

This wouldn't be the first time in the past year that a Government blamed another for some quasi-natural phenomenon. Remember when the swirling lights in the air above Switzerland were purported as being a Russian missile test?

What about when the country Georgia blamed Russia for one of its earthquakes?

This futuristic weaponry isn't going where I'd hoped. I mean, where's the space station the size of a moon that can destroy entire planets? Rattling the earth's crust in the third world is a bit lackluster.

I hope Hollywood picks this up and runs with it. Imagine the trailer - "In a world where the very ground fears the military, only one overweight dictator has the cajones to stand up to an evil government. Horatio Sanz is Hugo Chavez in Tectonic Warfare: The Day the Earth Stopped Standing Still."

Another theory is that Haiti was being punished for a pact with the Devil that they used to secure independence. If that's the case, I recommend you find out if any 1970s rock stars live near you, and move away, because you may be the next collateral damage to an untimely smiting.

SOURCES:

Real Clear Politics

CNN - Pat Robertson Reveals Haiti's Pact with the Devil

Fairytale America, Part II: NASA Nymphs vs. Lunar Lycanthropes

Last week it was revealed that the U.S. Government is not only living in a fairytale, it’s bringing mythology to the masses, whether we like it or not.

The saga continues as an age old feud resurfaces.

It all started when NASA announced that a rocket will be sent to the moon

with no intention to land. It is meant to impact with the lunar surface (which is a shame, since the 1969 moon landed was a hoax, and Tom Hanks wasn’t able to touch down in Apollo 13, it would have been nice for us to try a third time before giving up and destroying the darn thing.)

It’s no lie, people. NASA will “blow up the moon…a little.” Couple this with the fact that America has a Death Star, and the mind wanders into the science fiction realm. For a while I theorized that liberal scientists would destroy the other heav

enly bodies in our solar system, sending Earth on an inertial jaunt through space, in search of clues to prove the Big Bang and shut up Ben Stein.

But the real conspiracy is more fiction than science fiction, and is much closer to home.

Ever since Revelation13.net (the crazy lady that said Terminator is the key to solving homicide) opened my mind to new vistas of reality, I’ve been convinced that Hollywood is behind almost everything….even the Government.

And Tinseltown’s infatuation with Vampires has grown over the years. In the time of black and white movies, the first vampire flick, Nosferatu, portrayed Vampires as vile abominations. The blood drinkers couldn’t stand such bad PR, and decided to change their appearance. They infiltrated the movie industry and changed the way we view vamps.

***TALK ABOUT AN EXTREME MAKEOVER***

Nowadays Vampires are shown as sexy youngsters just trying to get along with society. The newfound cultural acceptance allowed for lobbying for Vampire rights.

Then affirmative action quotas required the hiring of a minimum number of Vampires into civil service positions. Once in the Government, they simply have to bide their time. (If you think it’s hard getting rid of a regular Government employee, try one who’s immortal.)

But Vampires’ sworn enemies are werewolves; why on earth would they care about space?

Here it comes…

Vampires have taken over NASA and are going to destroy the moon so that their werewolf rivals can’t spawn new offspring.

Per werewolf lore: “…it was said that a man could turn into a werewolf if he…slept outside on a summer night with the full moon shining directly on his face…

“Involuntary werewolves…are werewolves by an accident of birth or health. In some cultures, individuals born during a new moon or suffering from epilepsy were considered likely to be werewolves.”

Destroying the moon sounds like some serious Health Care reform. Is our new president a Vampire?

You decide. But to all of you who say there’s no such thing as black Vampires...

NEXT WEEK: Ali Baba and the 535 Thieves.

SOURCES:
NASA TO BLOW UP MOON
WEREWOLF LORE
SOME ASIAN GUY