Fairytale America, Part II: NASA Nymphs vs. Lunar Lycanthropes

Last week it was revealed that the U.S. Government is not only living in a fairytale, it’s bringing mythology to the masses, whether we like it or not.

The saga continues as an age old feud resurfaces.

It all started when NASA announced that a rocket will be sent to the moon

with no intention to land. It is meant to impact with the lunar surface (which is a shame, since the 1969 moon landed was a hoax, and Tom Hanks wasn’t able to touch down in Apollo 13, it would have been nice for us to try a third time before giving up and destroying the darn thing.)

It’s no lie, people. NASA will “blow up the moon…a little.” Couple this with the fact that America has a Death Star, and the mind wanders into the science fiction realm. For a while I theorized that liberal scientists would destroy the other heav

enly bodies in our solar system, sending Earth on an inertial jaunt through space, in search of clues to prove the Big Bang and shut up Ben Stein.

But the real conspiracy is more fiction than science fiction, and is much closer to home.

Ever since Revelation13.net (the crazy lady that said Terminator is the key to solving homicide) opened my mind to new vistas of reality, I’ve been convinced that Hollywood is behind almost everything….even the Government.

And Tinseltown’s infatuation with Vampires has grown over the years. In the time of black and white movies, the first vampire flick, Nosferatu, portrayed Vampires as vile abominations. The blood drinkers couldn’t stand such bad PR, and decided to change their appearance. They infiltrated the movie industry and changed the way we view vamps.

***TALK ABOUT AN EXTREME MAKEOVER***

Nowadays Vampires are shown as sexy youngsters just trying to get along with society. The newfound cultural acceptance allowed for lobbying for Vampire rights.

Then affirmative action quotas required the hiring of a minimum number of Vampires into civil service positions. Once in the Government, they simply have to bide their time. (If you think it’s hard getting rid of a regular Government employee, try one who’s immortal.)

But Vampires’ sworn enemies are werewolves; why on earth would they care about space?

Here it comes…

Vampires have taken over NASA and are going to destroy the moon so that their werewolf rivals can’t spawn new offspring.

Per werewolf lore: “…it was said that a man could turn into a werewolf if he…slept outside on a summer night with the full moon shining directly on his face…

“Involuntary werewolves…are werewolves by an accident of birth or health. In some cultures, individuals born during a new moon or suffering from epilepsy were considered likely to be werewolves.”

Destroying the moon sounds like some serious Health Care reform. Is our new president a Vampire?

You decide. But to all of you who say there’s no such thing as black Vampires...

NEXT WEEK: Ali Baba and the 535 Thieves.

SOURCES:
NASA TO BLOW UP MOON
WEREWOLF LORE
SOME ASIAN GUY

Terminator Revelation

This weekend sees the arrival of Terminator Salvation on the big screen. The unwashed masses long for this event in order to live vicariously through John Connor, who has finally moved out from underneath a robot's shadow and for the first time in four movies will do something other than run like a girl. The enlightened few, however, have longed for the debut to get the answer to a mystery.

And Terminator delivers! Finally, thanks to this movie, we'll know...

...who killed Laci Peterson!

Unexpected? Hang on tight.

"Concerning the Laci Peterson case, I think that Scott is innocent, and that Laci was abducted and murdered by a Satanic cult."

But how do you know that?

"[I]n the "Terminator" movies,"

::SCREECHING HALT:: WHOA. HOLD UP.

That's right. This person's confident that "Terminator" holds the clues to this cold case. I'm sorry, crazy one, do go on.

"[I]n the "Terminator" movies, note that John Connor is the name of the saviour of the world hero born to a woman, who the Terminator robot from the future is after; note that Laci's unborn son was to be named Conner, another coincidence that could be significant."

::digesting...::

"And note that the movie "Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines" was in theatres in July 2003, and Terminator 3 focuses on John Connor; and in July 2003 the Laci Peterson case was in the news."

Compelling. Oh, there's more?

"And it is interesting that The Terminator Arnold is now governor of California."

...

"And in this Scott Peterson case, a major legal issue appears to be whether the death of Laci's unborn son should be considered a second homicide. This introduces the politically important issue of whether death of a fetus can be considered murder."

Am I missing something?

"Also, Laci's last name, Peterson: it was Peter who was Christ's disciple who built the Church. And Laci's maiden name, Rocha: note it is similar to the word "Rock"."

I think we've wandered from the case. But by now, you're clearly convinced that the Terminator franchise has led us to crucial information on this case. Ok, well, no relevant facts or leads were uncovered using the Terminator. The link to the satanic cult was actually uncovered using the Bible Code.

For those unfamiliar with the Bible Code, you can set this software to search the letters of biblical text in any assorted range, direction, order, and interval to find random meaningless word clusters. It's like a "Find a Word" puzzle for the paranoid. Here's what Revelation13.net found:

"The King James Bible code matrix below was made by using an ELS (skip) range of -10000 to 10000, and searching the Old Testament. These words were found in a matrix cluster at ELS = -2178, in Ezekiel 39-42. Notice that these words are in this matrix: PETERSON (vertically backwards), SCOTT, LACI, SATAN, DEMON. That makes sense if there is a Satanic connection to this case. Also in the matrix are other words that are relevant: DRINK BLOOD (a possible Satanic activity), CAPTIVITY, TO SLAY, FIRE AND BRIMSTONE, THE VISION, PALM TREE, THE VALLEY, THE MOUNTAINS (California has Palm trees, valleys, and mountains), THE EARTH SHALL SHAKE (California has frequent earthquakes)."

Why didn't I think of that?! Since the Bible was already searched, I'm going to search Christian Bale's explicit rant on the set of Terminator Salvation, in which he spouts curses at a crew member for fixing the lighting during filming. I was able to snag letters from the transcript and create a string of words: DONUT, FRESH CHERRIES, FRESH SQUEEZED TROPICANA PULP-FREE ORANGE JUICE WITH CALCIUM

How did Christian Bale predict my breakfast for today?!

Laci Peterson's investigation occurred as Terminator 3 was debuting. And what about another Peterson woman murder where the husband is the suspect? On the eve of Terminator 4's release, police just found what they believe to be the remains of Stacy Peterson, believed to be murdered by her husband Drew.

Could it get any weirder? Anyone? People Magazine?

"One of the characters "Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines" was nearly named Scott Peterson -- just like the Modesto, Calif., man charged with killing his wife Laci and their unborn son, reports the Associated Press.

Instead, that name was changed to Scott Mason -- although in an interview appearing in Britain, actor Mark Famiglietti, who plays Mason in T3, said filming was finished four months before Laci Peterson was reported missing."

Man, this week's post started as comedy, but ended with an eerie shudder.


SOURCES:

Revelation13
People
Christian Bale Rant Transcript
Peterson Body Found