Conspiracy Ctheory Cthursday: Nessie Got Pwned!

In February, the London Daily Telegraph posed the question, "Has the Loch Ness Monster emigrated to Borneo?" Maybe she's on vacation after her outstanding performance in The Last Waterhorse.

Regardless, this year has been full of hypotheses about the existence and whereabouts of Nessie. Evidence is out there that suggests she left Loch Ness, but why?

"ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn"...

Come again?

"In his house at R'lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming."

Gotcha. I've long pondered where this R'lyeh was. All Cthulhu lore points to it being an underwater dwelling, but it would also have to be a place where a Great Old One could go unnoticed, a place where the locals were perpetually too drunk to figure out the horrors in the depths...

Scotland, anyone?

FoxNews managed to squeeze in this revelation right in between the breaking news that Megan Fox might be the next Catwoman and a bevy of photos of aged Brady Bunch members. They claim that this picture on Google Earth over Loch Ness proves that Nessie is real.

Most people believe this photo proves the existence of the Loch Ness Monster, but I know it's evidence that Nessie doesn't rule the Loch anymore. Here are the top three image results for the Nessie:

That looks NOTHING like the Google Earth photo. What about the top three Cthulhu image results?

Now THAT'S more like the photo...

So what happened to Nessie? Has Cthulhu always been in the Loch? Anyone planning an eldritch vacation to R'lyeh at Loch Ness? If so, stop by Twinkhenge while you're out there, I hear it's simply lovely.

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SOURCES:

FoxNews - Proof of Loch Ness Monster?

Telegraph - Loch Ness Emigrated?

His Death Was a Sham...Wow!

How could I have been so blind? The passing of so many iconic individuals in the past few months didn’t stir my paranoia…are my senses dulling? I was shocked back into the horrific reality of it all while listening to some of my old CDs, and came across this song:

“The Day Farrah Fawcett Died” by The Vandals.

Here’s an excerpt…

“they say the road was icy
but that just don't add up
a bushy-haired intruder
another government cover up!
a drug-related overdose
a hunting accident
death at the hands of another,
i'll bet!

…they say they come in threes…”

That song was recorded in 1990, almost 20 years before her death! The significance?

“…they say they come in threes…”

Farrah Fawcett died in June 2009, taken by cancer. Michael Jackson and Billy Mays (the Oxy-Clean guy) died around the same time of some sorts of “drug-related overdose.”

Farrah and Michael were essentially out of the biz when their lights faded out, so it’s unlikely that foul play is involved (what would the perpetrator gain?).

Billy Mays still had lots going for him, with plenty of products in the queue for him to pitch to the public…now HE had something to lose…

I think that the Sham-Wow sleazebag Vince Shlomi (his NAME even seems creepy) offed Billy Mays, but knew better than to stop there. He finished off two other completely unrelated celebrities in order to cover his tracks.

Shlomi has had trouble with the law. Several months back he got into a ‘Slap-Chop’ relationship with a prostitute when he broke her ‘no kissing’ rule, she bit his tongue without relent, and her pummeled her until she let go.

The disgraced man needed something to bring him back into the game. His image was tarnished, while Billy Mays still presented the clean-cut façade that America needed in a pitch man. That’s when Shlomi go desperate. This is much more than a triple homicide, it’s a conspiracy!

Vince obviously couldn’t pull something this elaborate off and get away with it; he had help. But who would help him, and what would they stand to gain?

I think the Japanese Government (or the Yakuza) helped Shlomi get away with it so that inventors would be scared to invent new products in the U.S. and they would come to Japan.

They’re probably not going to stop there, either. I think they’re going to send some Anime fighters to kill that cartoon caveman that makes the wheel on T.V.

Any other ideas?

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Fellow theorists who leave their (at least half-baked) conspiracies in the comments section during the month of August will be eligible to win a copy of The Little Book of Conspiracies!

"...til Obama Takes the T-Bird Away."

President Obama’s not only secretly a Nazi turning nursing homes into death camps with his health care legislation; he’s trying to destroy our national defense. His first step: decommission the F-22 Raptor.

“Critics argue the F-22 is too costly and irrelevant to the wars of today. They note that it hasn't flown a single mission in Iraq or Afghanistan.”

The F-22 doesn’t need to fly in Afghanistan, because as I’ve revealed earlier, aliens taught us how to use video games to kill. With UAV technology, our pilots sit in air conditioned rooms in Northern California using joysticks to destroy the enemy, just like they’re on X-Box Live.

Aside from hating freedom and wanting us all dead, why would The Big O seek to get rid of such a sleek, sexy piece of destruction?

“Obama promised in his address to Congress to reform our defense budget so that we're not paying for Cold War-era weapons systems we don't use."

Oh, he was talking about the F-22? I thought that was reference to shoe phones and watch lasers.

There has to be something else at play. While doing my research, I found an odd phenomenon. Evidence of a mythologically large bird referred to by fellow theorists as The Thunderbird has gone missing. On par with Big Foot and Nessie for creepiness and mystery, The Thunderbird was a large bird believed to be a pterodactyl or similar creature.

An account exists about French workmen encountering one in 1856: “In the half-light of the tunnel, something monstrous stumbled toward the out of a great boulder of Jurassic limestone they had just split open. It fluttered its wings, croaked, and died at their feet.”

Pictures abound from the 1850s and 1860s of huge birds held up by men, lying at the feet of Civil War soldiers, and the like.

The most iconic picture, revered as proof of the creatures’ existence, has vanished! Now the underground is searching for the proof, and asking for help:

"At this point there are almost 20 members of ATS who have memories of seeing this image...If it's not real, why do so many people remember seeing it?...If you are reading this, please feel free to help aid in the search and to contribute any opinions, theories, and ESPECIALLY MEMORIES!!!!"

Theories abound as to how the pics could disappear…here’s my favorite:

“The theory that "some force" could have removed all evidence of any of these cryptids from the Internet may be believable. I'm sure somewhere on the planet there is someone gifted enough to remove something in its entirety from the Internet.

That force: Audacious Hope. The President wants to rid any evidence of his link to prehistoric bird creatures, especially the F-22 Raptor!

What’s Obama’s link to giant mythological birds? Why would he want to cover it up? Leave your theories in the COMMENTS section below. One lucky theories will win a copy of The Little Book of Conspiracies, delivered to you!

PS: Kudos to B for being the 13th follower of CTT! Such a [un]lucky position in the enlightened culture we have going here. Much will be required of you very soon...

SOURCES:

OBAMA to Can the F-22
Thunderbird Pic Search - ATS
Thunderbird Pic Search - Cryptomundo

Putin It All Together: Apocalypse Now!-ish

Even before Hollywood tried to capitalize on the phenomenon, the conspiring underground knew the truth: the Mayan Calendar ends in December, 2012, meaning the end of the world. Don't scoff, the Mayans got a lot of things right, like the concept of zero.

As I was pondering the ramifications of so soon an end, I glanced over at my Dilbert Desk Calendar, which ceases in the year 2010. Could it be? Has cartoonist Scott Adams more accurately predicted our end? Don't scoff, he got a lot of things right, like the evil liberal intent of investor Warren Buffet as covered by CNN. In his own words, the cartoonist writes,

"One clear sign of the End Time is when the media starts publishing my opinions on the economy."

So maybe there's more to this 2010 prediction than meets the eye.

Our friend at Revelation13.net (yeah, the crazy lady who thinks Terminator's plot is enough to prove Scott Peterson 'not guilty') has some helpful insight into the year ending in 2010. Hold on tight.

First, why do you believe the world will end in 2010?

"November 8 2003, during a lunar eclipse, there was a hexagon astrology pattern (6 sides, as in 666) that I relate to the Antichrist [Vladimir] Putin. This I think began the 7 year End Times Events which ends in Nov. 2010."

Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooow...more than I bargained for. This is what we call CTT gold.

Not only will the world end in 2010, but we know this because the biblical 7-year End Times started in 2003, which we know because six stars shone brighter than some others during some eclipse.

But what does Vladimir Putin have to do with this, and why is she so sure he's the Antichrist? It's all about the numbers.

"1998=666x3, and 1999 has 666 upside down, and 666 is the number of the Antichrist (also called The Beast) in Revelation 13, I believe these numbers are connected with his appearance in year 2000 (as Russia's President Putin), and there will be a powerful satanic influence in the world (related to Putin) in 2009-2010, that relates to the rise of the Antichrist Putin."

Ok. 1998 and 1999 were signs of Putin's rise to power in the year 2000. Therefore he's going to bring the world down. I can live with that. But for the naysayers out there, how about a little more proof?

Behold! Oh, does this need a little explanation? Sadly, little help is found on the site. But from what I gathered, Russia is shaped like an animal, minus the snout. And this lady puts a lot of stock in a country's shape and its destiny (don't worry, I'm saving it for a glorious CTT in the future). The yellow triangle (Belarus) is the potential snout, which would complete The Beast.

"It is possible that Belarus may unify with Russia, so it is shown in the drawing."

So look out, folks. If Belarus and Russia join forces, it's SO on. Until then, we're safe. What's that? Russia and Belarus are already engaged in multiple treaties and agreements? Uh oh...

And what of Putin?

"The little horn" is a name for the Antichrist from the Book of Daniel...so St. Petersburg Russia is where this little horn of the red beast has grown...(note Putin's small size).

Oh snap, she went there! But wait, Putin's not small, he's ripped! Look at this recent photo!

This could debunk the whole theory, upon which so much rested!

It's ok, hold it together Revelation13.net, we still have our basic theory. Stay the course. The world's going to end in November 2010, NOT December 2012. Just stick with that, and we're good.

"But I think an event frequently discussed in Biblical Prophecy called "The Rapture" will not occur...supposedly "The Rapture" would occur during or just before the rule of the Antichrist, and would be an instantaneous disappearance of millions of Christians around the world...I think we are in the seven year End Times beginning in Nov. 2003, but the Rapture will not occur...Or it could be that The Rapture is caused by a [Hadron Collider]-created Black Hole eating earth and all the people on it, possibly in December 2012."

What?!?! Make up your mind!

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For those of you counting, that's the second shirtless photo of a European leader. And it doesn't mean ANYTHING!

Need help spreading the word? Email conspiracytheorythursday at gmail.com for tips on how to make your peers, friends and family more paranoid!

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SOURCES:

http://revelation13.net/http://naviny.by/rubrics/inter/2009/08/06/ic_articles_259_163890/

http://www.cnbc.com/id/28511421

http://www.dilbert.com/blog/entry/sign_of_the_end_time/

http://revelation13.net/KingJames6c.html