Conspiracy Feary Friday: Beakman's World of Horror

In the latest of catastrophes, scientists claim that the earth's axis may have shifted due to the Chilean earthquake. The effect?

"The 8.8-magnitude earthquake near Chile may have also made our planet's days shorter."

Whoever is creating these earthquakes is speeding up the passage of time to bring about the future sooner.

In an earlier post I highlighted Hugo Chavez's claims that it's the U.S. Government. I'm not so convinced that this is the case.

I'll ask you to please CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING:

Bill Nye The Science Guy is now a science consultant for CNN. (Yeah, really.) CNN loves the U.S. Government (at least the current administration). Bill Nye is one of the good guys (come on, he wears a bow tie!)

But who was the antithesis of Nye? The Hyde to his Jekyll?

That's right...Beakman. But why would Beakman try to bring about the end of the world?

Well, despite being funnier, more energetic, having better characters, and being on CBS's Saturday Morning lineup, Nye still had better ratings and stood the test of time (in children's programming, 4 years really is the test of time).

Beakman got jealous. So he started messing with science at the very core.

He started attacking the official gram, making it lose mass so that science would unravel.

I believe he started global warming to get back at those two heckling penguins that watched his show, too.

And now he's created some sort earthquake generator to shorten the days of earth. Well, maybe he just had his henchman Lester the rat jump up and down.

SOURCES:

NY Daily News

CNN - Proof Nye is a Consultant

Drink Coke, Inch'Allah

Oh, man, is this a good one!

"Extremist Moslems have not dropped their allegations that Pepsi Cola is essentially the code name for a Zionist plot."

Yeah, I bet you didn't know those allegations existed, huh?! Well, they do. And Coca-Cola marketers--I mean Muslim clerics--aren't letting up. Because when you buy Pepsi you're really committing to "Pay Every Penny to Save Israel," according to terrorist group Hamas MP Salem Salamah.

"Cleric Abu Ismail all but called for a Muslim boycott of Pepsi because it stands for ‘Pay Every Penny Saving Israel.’"

Abu Ismail said a penny is “one-thousandth of a dollar.”

Oh, Abu, you blew it. A thousandth of a dollar? Really?

But then The Xenohistorian puts it into perspective, and my paranoid brain starts churning...

Hey says, "You could have fooled me. A better case can be made for Pepsi backing Barack Obama. Yesterday I saw the current Pepsi logo on a sign, in front of the country store I drive past on the way to work every day, and at first I thought it was the Obama logo sideways."

And then I find out that there are allegations that under Obama the Missile Defense logo has changed. Let's take a look.

Looks a lot like the Islamic symbol, no?

Wait, come to think of it. Doesn't a Coca-Cola bottle look a lot like a Scud Missile?

Oh man, does that mean that the swirling lights in Switzerland in December really WERE a Russian missile test? Is there an Obama-Russian-Muslim-Coke conspiracy?!?!

No wonder Tom Cruise is spending millions of dollars for a bomb shelter. He's not hiding from aliens, like this article suggests, but rather hiding from the coming doom here on earth.

SOURCES:

The Atlantic Wire

Xenohistorian

Israel National News

This London

That Ain't No Piece of Ash!

So, Joe Biden appears yesterday with a big ole liver spot or something on his forehead, and freaks us all out. "We just got past done with a constantly-dying VP with Cheney, now another one?" we woefully cried.

Then everyone clamored to clear it up. Everyone from the White House to the media, even the blogosphere quickly explained that it was from Ash Wednesday, and Biden was a Catholic. Not even addressing the fact that his politics don't exactly fit the doctrine of Christianity (Catholic or otherwise), I'm not so convinced that this mysterious mark on his brow can be explained by Ash.

Exhibit A: The ashes are supposed to be placed in the mark of a cross, as depicted below.

So unless his priest was lazy (perhaps a temp priest hired with stimulus funds?), I don't buy the ash bit.

I don't have an Exhibit B.

What is the Government hiding?! What's going on with Biden's fivehead?! Not convinced that something's going on behind the scenes? Consider this: An expert believes Joe Biden has had botox injections in his forehead.

BEFORE:

AFTER:

Go here for the full story.

But what for? Why the forehead cover-up? Why not just wear a hat, or put a huge flag pin in the front of his dome?

Is his inner thetan coming out? If so, why is he trying to put it back in?

I need your help! What's going on?

As before, your theories are worth something to me. Every comment of substance (and if you read this blog you know I use that term liberally) between now and Easter will enter you to win the next big prize. Last time it was the Little Book of Conspiracies, which Mothergoose won. I have a picture of him/her graciously holding up the book, but by the time I put a mosaic blur over his/her face, body, clothing, and surroundings in order to protect his/her identity, it was little more than a picture of the book.

SOURCES:
CBS

Huffington Post

Hugo, Why You Gotta Be So Haiti?

Let's all welcome Hugo Chavez to the list of most famous Conspiracy Theorists. He recently blamed the U.S. Government for the earthquake in Haiti, claiming that the Navy launched a tectonic weapon. He states that this was only a test, and that once the weapon is refined, Iran will be the ultimate target.

This wouldn't be the first time in the past year that a Government blamed another for some quasi-natural phenomenon. Remember when the swirling lights in the air above Switzerland were purported as being a Russian missile test?

What about when the country Georgia blamed Russia for one of its earthquakes?

This futuristic weaponry isn't going where I'd hoped. I mean, where's the space station the size of a moon that can destroy entire planets? Rattling the earth's crust in the third world is a bit lackluster.

I hope Hollywood picks this up and runs with it. Imagine the trailer - "In a world where the very ground fears the military, only one overweight dictator has the cajones to stand up to an evil government. Horatio Sanz is Hugo Chavez in Tectonic Warfare: The Day the Earth Stopped Standing Still."

Another theory is that Haiti was being punished for a pact with the Devil that they used to secure independence. If that's the case, I recommend you find out if any 1970s rock stars live near you, and move away, because you may be the next collateral damage to an untimely smiting.

SOURCES:

Real Clear Politics

CNN - Pat Robertson Reveals Haiti's Pact with the Devil

Falling Far From the Apple Tree

I really wanted to put something together about the Antichrist after seeing this idol of Michelle Obama that's floating out there. I think that gives whole new meaning to the woman who rides the Beast.

Also, I would love to see a live video of the people of BeastObama.com and Revelation13.net debating whether Obama or Putin are the Antichrist.

But I couldn't get my mind off the battle brewing in Silicon Valley. Could hints in a NatGeo article spell doom for the cyber (and real) world?

National Geographic posted an article titled "Isaac Newton: Who He Was, Why Google Apples Are Falling." I'm sure you're thinking, "Google? Apples?" But last week when you went to Google's site an apple would fall from a tree and 'plink' under the search bar. Typically these special home pages denote big events (100 years of humans in flight, Dick Clark turns 1,000, Adam Lambert's out of the closet), but this was to celebrate Newton's 367th birthday.

Ever since I saw National Treasure I knew Isaac Newton was embroiled in conspiracy. Think about it. Some puny scientist defines the laws of our cosmos then gets entombed in a cathedral, now all of a sudden we're celebrating his birthday?

What's the one class of citizens whose birthdays NEVER get celebrated? (besides Jehovah's Witnesses) The Dead. So I think that Sir Isaac Newton was cryogenically frozen by the Jesuits and recently defrosted by Google so they can try their new Android phone technology on him. I imagine he's going to look like Lando Calrissian's sidekick Lobot with a couple Google phones attached to his head.

He's probably sitting in a cubicle in San Jose right now, all zombie-fied, amazed by our society, and wondering why he can't drink the iBeer on his iPhone.

And Google wanted to flaunt it to Apple, with whom they're recently fallen out of sorts. Read that article here: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/08/03/AR2009080300785.html. The apple falling on Google's site is symbolic of their intent to make Apple fall. Google's been slowly positioning themselves to overrun Apple, and now they've got the ace in the hole (once ol' Newton goes ahead and defines some new laws of thermodynamics or something).

This could be scary for our future. What other members of society has the Vatican preserved? Michael Jackson? (I hear he's really good with the altar boys.) Kevin Costner? (In order to be a guide when they open Holy Water World.)

What? Kevin Costner's still alive?

Manchurian Candidate

The public debate (if there ever was one) over President Barack Obama's citizenship--and thus legitimacy as Commander in Chief--has long cooled. It doesn't make the news and you won't see people protesting it.

Then my inbox got hit with this:

"In a move certain to fuel the debate over Obama's qualifications for the presidency, the group 'Americans for Freedom of Information' has Released copies of President Obama's college transcripts from Occidental College. Released today, the transcript school indicates that Obama, under the name Barry Soetoro, received financial aid as a foreign student from Indonesia as an undergraduate. The transcript was released by Occidental College in compliance with a court order in a suit brought by the group in the Superior Court of California. The transcript shows that Obama (Soetoro) applied for financial aid and was awarded a fellowship for foreign students from the Fulbright Foundation Scholarship program. "

The email goes on to explain that not only does the scholarship (available only to foreign students) prove that Obama's not a natural born U.S. citizen, but it exerts that the U.S. Supreme Court has agreed to hear the case and determine whether we've got an imposter on our hands.

At first I thought, "Now we're getting somewhere." Because, love him or hate him, you need to know for sure if your president meets the minimum requirements for the job.

Then I decided to check up on the legitimacy of this email. I was quickly met with an onslaught of facts disproving virtually every fact in the email. EVERY fact. Basically the only thing that they got right was that the President's name is Barack Obama and he went to college.

So there's this half-baked chain email (that originated on April Fool's Day, no less) conspiring to bring about anger against the Commander in Chief. But I think there are darker purposes at work.

I'm fairly certain that the White House staff originated this email. Why? The email serves to console "birthers" into a sense that the issue is taken care of, that little else needs to be done, that the conflict will be resolved in due time. And if you don't know that the email's a hoax, then you'll likely forget about the issue and wait to hear about on the news (or in another mass email forward.) They're breeding complacency!

Don't tell me you're not complacent about this; two years ago people wouldn't gloss over the fact that George W. Bush lacked a mastery of the English language, but now everyone glosses over that fact that Obama may lack legitimate claim to the Presidency.

Then second part of this evil conspiracy is (all silliness aside): WHY DON'T YOU JUST PROVIDE PROOF THAT YOU'RE ELIGIBLE TO BE PRESIDENT OR STEP DOWN?! I mean, a military retiree with a military ID card can't even get a menial job without completing the I-9 form. The American people at best are being disregarded and at worst are being tricked, deceived, and led by an imposter.

SOURCES:

About

www.factcheck.org

Washington Post

The Economy Is Falling Down

(Sung to the tune of London Bridge)

The economy is falling down, falling down, falling down.

The economy is falling down, there goes freedom.

Yeah, that's not news, I know. But it seems like everyone is trying to bring capitalism down.

First Michael Moore (dude, standing in line for three days for a loaf of bread is not the only way to lose weight. Instead of trying to bring capitalism to an end, why don't you just follow Jared's lead?)

Then gift cards (retailers are taking away your power, America! It's not a free market if I have to spend those $25 in one place, especially if it's on the Apple's socialist iTunes.)

Now off the shelf software.

Buckle in, here we go.

First off, do you remember when it was reported that the 9/11 terror attackers learned how to fly with Microsoft's Flight Simulator?

It's happening again.

FoxNews reported today, "$26 off-the-shelf software is used to breach key weapons in Iraq, senior defense and intelligence officials said."

So that jihad-pop you bought from the terrorist ice cream man in November (only terrorist ice cream men drive around in November) for $5 funded nearly one-fifth the software purchase used to hack Predator drones and save terrorist lives. Next time go to Cold Stone.

Seriously, though, it took a little piece of commercially available software for terrorists to look through the eyes of U.S. drones and predict where they were headed, thus alerting enemies to get the F&#$ out of Dodge so they would live to die up another day. "Hey, you don't blow up my brother, only my cell phone remote detonating device gets to blow my brother up."

What do you think that means? Well, surely the U.S. Government will pucker up and create a new agency to police software sales. Now your son, the intraverted aspiring software developer, will have a Fed so far up his butt while he's programming Grand Theft Auto 9: Stories from Podunk Junction, the Ballad of John Boy, he'll just give up on the project due to lack of creative freedom. And without creative freedom at work, he might as well go to a Government job (probably at the agency overseeing his jerk of a boss so he can get back at him). And pretty soon all the jobs get insourced by the burgeoning Government until there aren't any corporations, just one big company: The United States of America.

How do we combat this? Like true Americans, by sitting around playing PS3. Besides, it'll probably all work out, right? Capitalism forever!

SOURCE:

FoxNews