Wednesday, December 31, 2008


We should have seen it coming. It’s all been a big cover up. First Y2K. Remember? They made us think computers couldn’t handle the transition to the year 2000 and would crash. Some think the conspiracy was from software companies who wanted us to buy new software and upgrades.

Y2K was only a foreshadowing of the massive evil that has been unleashed upon us. And most people don’t even know it is happening. (Retraction: in 1999 I thought Y2K was an Amish plot. They planned to strike us when we lost our technology and were on the same playing field as them, us confused with how to drive a team of horses or plow a field without robots. I think I was so vocal about this conspiracy that standup comedians used the material. Go me!)

Others have been hinting at Apple’s desire to take over the world via the iPod. They claim that the Mac’s ties to China (ok it’s just manufactured there) and the ubiquity of the digital media players are all a ploy to get devices into everyone’s hands so the governments can control us.

"Lucy Shaw, a social worker in New York, has stopped using Shuffle altogether. 'It was totally not reading my moods,' she said. It would play upbeat music when she was feeling low, and dark, somber selections when she was feeling upbeat. Furthermore, she said, her device had a penchant for picking songs containing four minutes of dead air followed by a bonus track - like Roxy Music’s 'More Than This'."

But it goes beyond even THAT! I’m talking big, folks.

They’ve had us looking the wrong way all along. 2000 wasn’t the year of technological meltdown and horror. It’s 2009! The lack of turmoil following Y2K made us think the worst was past us, that no numerical date could ever disable us again. Apple’s omnipresence made us think their mp3 player posed the only threat. We were WRONG!

It seems Z2K’s hammer of terror has fallen upon us all. As the New Year turned across the world, Microsoft Zune’s locked up at the same time. When things happen at the same time, someone evil is behind it. Who? Bill Gates and Steve Jobs are too easy of marks. Steve is too busy subjugating some third world country and Gates is finishing his assimilation to the Borg. That’s another theory for another Thursday.

Sit tight! It’s only a matter of time until infrastructure crumbles, the markets crash, and brother is pitted against brother in a worldwide civil war, as literally dozens of Zune owners can’t listen to their tunes.


Thursday, December 18, 2008

Zombie Shakespeare?

William Shakespeare is immortal. And we’re not talking ‘he lives on through his works.’ We don’t have proof that this guy ever died, only existence that he existed.

“Shakespeare's grave does not have a body. In 1796, the
grave was broken into, in the course of digging another grave in
proximity. (Personally, I can't believe the activity was unrelated to
the Ireland forgeries and the search for Shakespeare's foul papers.) In
any case, they, the gravediggers, found nothing, damp and the local Avon
having in all likelihood carried the bones away.” Of course, there are detractors. “I once (don't know where, don't know by whom) read a compelling argument that, Avon water tables and human decomposition rates considered, the minimal, dusty remains of W.S. were washed along the Bristol Channel and out into the Atlantic a couple of centuries ago. Perhaps American Scientists could check tidal currents and start sifting all the beaches on the US eastern seaboard for nano-traces of Bard instead?”

Wait a sec, was that last comment written in iambic pentameter? Makes sense. If that’s Willie then he’s a genious. By suggesting that scientists comb the beaches for his body, he’s kept us busy looking for him for another couple centuries. Another thing we can conclude by this comment is that if Shakespeare wrote it, we have some clue as to his undead form. Zombies can’t type.

"Most dear actors, eat no onions nor garlic, for we are to utter sweet breath." - William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night's Dream


Perhaps this theorist has a clue as to Willie’s undead form.

"William Shakespeare was [supposedly] called upon to add his artistic touch to the English translation of the Bible done at the behest of King James, which was finished in 1611. As proof for this idea, proponents point to Psalm 46, and allege that Shakespeare slipped his name into the text. Here is how the story goes. Since Shakespeare was born in the year 1564, then he would have been 46 years old during 1610 when the finishing touches were being put on the KJV. In the King James Version, if you count down 46 words from the top (not counting the title) you read the word "shake," then, if you omit the word "selah" and count 46 words from the bottom you find the word "spear." VoilĂ ! Shakespeare must have tinkered with the text and subtly added his signature. How else could one account for all of these 46s to work out so well? To top it all off, William Shakespeare is an anagram of "Here was I, like a psalm."

Maybe he DOES live on in his works…

That would explain why this manifestation of Shakespeare looks oddly like another immortal figure who likes to …food for thought.

"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.”
- William Shakespeare, Hamlet.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Mortars and Rocket Pops

I’ve been fearing this for a long time, but apparently I’m not the only one.

Terrorists have a new way of raising and distributing funds. It’s a two step process: 1) Sell ice cream in the US. 2) Wire funds to terrorist friends via PayPal.

“The FBI just arrested a Pakistani immigrant living in Lodi, CA. He is an ice cream truck driver -- a real threat to the community! The son went to Pakistan and may have attended a "terrorist camp". Or he may have gone there for a wedding of a relative. We’re not sure…”

Ten bucks says the son came back from Pakistan with a bootleg copy of The Dark Knight. Anyways…I’ve seen these guys where I live. There’s one who is still driving around selling ice cream in December!! It’s cold, why are you selling frozen treats? Terrorist! It’s the only explanation.

And then there’s this guy in San Francisco. Let’s just say he’s against the US established order. He claims to be an anarchist, but if the Patriot Act has taught us anything, it’s crime=terror. He describes his vehicle of change as, “equal parts SWAT van and ice cream truck…For many, a chance encounter with the TICU will feel like being chocolate-dipped in a sea of sugarcoated doubt.“


The ice cream-terror link has been established, clearly. But how do these soft-serve jihadists support terrorism in action when all they get is sweaty Sacajawea dollars? Paypal, baby!

“The US Attorney for the Eastern District of Missouri told eBay that its online payment service violated provisions in the USA Patriot Act between October 2001 and July 2002, according to eBay's annual report, filed on Monday with securities regulators. Under the act, it is prohibited to transmit funds known to have come from a criminal offense, or that are intended to promote or support unlawful activities.”

Gotcha, PayPal, or as you recently changed your name to Al-PayrazqaPali! You are so tied to terrorism. Need more proof?

“These are the most unsafe people to deal with. They got my wife's card number and set up aol accounts and lots of other stuff.. Paypal is helping terrorist live for free in the US. All they need to do is hack your paypal account. free internet etc. I'm working on the biggest law suit in history for this anyone want to help email me.

Check Out Our PayPal Alternative”

But maybe PayPal is trying to break those ties…

“Hi my name is leo from Queens N.Y. and paypal is the worse thing i ever done these a$$holes freeze my account without giving no knowledge of anything, i earn my money fair by selling my items on ebay they take out money for there services and what do they do ....they do froze my account, claming i might be doing terroist activity .....what b.s nobody has the right too lock you out of your own if you not unless you are the government ........ f ... paypal!!!! Check Out Our PayPal Alternative”

Notice the shameful plugs for a patriotic ‘PayPal alternative’…