Thursday, March 25, 2010

Facebook Matrix, Part 4 (I Think)

If you’re new to CTT, you’ll need to head back and check out the history of my war on Facebook (or more accurately, my mounting of a resistance to the war Facebook is waging on humanity).

I broke the story of the strange similarities between FB and the machine-created dream world of the Matrix here.

Later, I uncovered a Facebook plot to control your actions via friend suggestions here.

Shortly thereafter, I unraveled the truth surrounding Facebook’s ploy to bring down the world’s militaries and intelligence agencies with this post.

But, sadly, the deadly social networking site has only drawn more people into its clutches. The site itself boasts the following statistics:

50% of our active users log on to Facebook in any given day.” (Cattle.)

“Average user spends more than 55 minutes per day on Facebook.” (If you take out 8 hours for sleep and 8 hours for work from the day to calculate ‘free time’, the average user spends 1/8th of their day on Facebook.)

Think about it. If the only way people are communicating is in the moderated forum of the very entity trying to enslave you, then you’re unable to mount a meaningful resistance. It would be like trying to speak freely on Twitter in China:

Now that general discrediting of this stupid site has been completed, I’d like to show you Facebook’s next step towards assimilation of our species.

Facebook is giving the next generation cock rot while simultaneously destroying the planet.

“[In England] Facebook has contributed to resurgence in the sexually-transmitted disease syphilis.”

Classy, Facebook. Reeeeeeal classy.

“Case have increased fourfold in Sunderland, Durham and Teesside, the areas of Britain where Facebook is most popular.

Facebook is] making it easier for people to meet up for casual sex."

Sad, because that used to be the last thing MySpace had going for it.

I’m pretty certain that all this ‘hacking’ of profiles and posting of sexual pictures and status updates being done isn’t by hackers but rather by Facebook admin (which is likely a sentient Ron Jeremy robot.)

In response to all the Facebook-inspired herpes outbreaks and whatnot, the British government has responded in the only reasonable fashion: clearcutting entire forests.

Which is exactly what Facebook wants them to do.

“A council has backed the removal of 6,000 trees at a beauty spot, saying that the clearance will deterrent to people meeting for sex in the woods.”

Facebook is deceptively clever. It encourages people to have meaningless sex with strangers, while preventing meaningful relationships that will lead to procreation. In the long run this will serve FB well, as there will be less humans to rise up against its machine armies, and the ones that do rise up will be STD-ridden. All the while, FB’s convincing the world’s governments to destroy the trees, slowly killing humanity as well (because machines won’t need the oxygen when t hey rule anyway.)

[cue Ron Howard narration]

On the next Conspiracy Theory Thursday…

The Zombievolution hits China, American Idol. Our only weapon against them proves to be less powerful than we thought.




Friday, March 5, 2010

Conspiracy Feary Friday: Beakman's World of Horror

In the latest of catastrophes, scientists claim that the earth's axis may have shifted due to the Chilean earthquake. The effect?

"The 8.8-magnitude earthquake near Chile may have also made our planet's days shorter."

Whoever is creating these earthquakes is speeding up the passage of time to bring about the future sooner.

In an earlier post I highlighted Hugo Chavez's claims that it's the U.S. Government. I'm not so convinced that this is the case.
I'll ask you to please CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING:

Bill Nye The Science Guy is now a science consultant for CNN. (Yeah, really.) CNN loves the U.S. Government (at least the current administration). Bill Nye is one of the good guys (come on, he wears a bow tie!)

But who was the antithesis of Nye? The Hyde to his Jekyll?

That's right...Beakman. But why would Beakman try to bring about the end of the world?

Well, despite being funnier, more energetic, having better characters, and being on CBS's Saturday Morning lineup, Nye still had better ratings and stood the test of time (in children's programming, 4 years really is the test of time).

Beakman got jealous. So he started messing with science at the very core.

He started attacking the official gram, making it lose mass so that science would unravel.

I believe he started global warming to get back at those two heckling penguins that watched his show, too.

And now he's created some sort earthquake generator to shorten the days of earth. Well, maybe he just had his henchman Lester the rat jump up and down.