Thursday, July 23, 2009

CTT Hits Home!

CTT Faithful, we are under attack! The forces behind the conspiracies which we know to be true are working against us. First, I have hard fast evidence that the terrorist ice cream men that I drew your attention to are active IN MY VERY COMMUNITY. My recon team was able to snap this picture…

Notice the plywood-and-spray-paint sign on the front, keeping that low overhead cost so that more profits may be PayPal’d to fund IEDs in Iraq. Be wary of where you buy your dreamsicles, people, for ice cream is to American terrorists as Opium is to the Taliban.

Be aware of the cruel irony here, friends. These Sunni sweet cream salesmen are no doubt at this very moment buying bulk Push-Pops at Sam’s Club in order to sell them to your children, so that their children overseas can be well funded and trained to face your kids in battle 15 years from now.

More evidence of attempts to snuff out our CTT movement have surfaced. I was recently messaged from one of the paranoid populace, and his message is shocking.

It began as some CTT propaganda was dropped in his driveway in an inconspicuous envelope, and he was notified to pick it up immediately, lest it fall into the wrong hands. What follows is his account…

I come home Friday afternoon from work and there is nothing in my driveway. I walk in and say hi to the family and it’s business as usual, we say hi but no “Hey I found this in the driveway, what is it?” So I am assuming that my “package” has wandered off into the hands of others.

Later that evening [my son] accompanies me to the mailbox to get the mail and low and behold there is an envelope with only my name hand written on it but no return address and no postage stamp or markings. Now this is strange. So I cautiously open the envelope to find a large amount of conspiracy theory cards in it. I look at [my son] with a puzzled look on my face and ask “How did this make it into the mailbox?” He just looks at me all excited that we got the mail but I think that he wanted to say “How the heck should I know? I’m only 2, you’re the adult here.”

So I go home tell my wife what has transpired. She too is intrigued. Actually she couldn’t care less but I was left wondering all weekend long how the Conspiracy Theory Cards made it into the mailbox. This truly was a Conspiracy Theory Moment.

So this morning I am leaving for work and I see a mailman riding his bike to work. He sees me backing out of the driveway and he pulls up along side the car and asks if I am [my name]. My first thought is a flash back to Terminator. “Are you Sarah Conner? BANG!!” I hesitate and after figuring I can take this guy by throwing the door into him to knock him off his bike which would allow me enough time to thoroughly kick the crap out of him I say yes. He tells me that he found the envelope in the driveway and didn’t know if I lived there or not. Not to mention he has no idea who [my name] is. So he gives the envelope to his buddy, a fellow postman to see if I do live there and if so he can put the envelope in the mailbox for me. He then asks what was in the envelope. Again I hesitate. Do I tell him the truth and possibly expose my affiliation to the Conspiracy Theory Thursday network or give him a false answer? Since I am a Christian I know that it is wrong to lie so I ask myself What Would Jesus Do? I remember the scripture about being smooth as a serpent yet harmless as a dove so my response to him was “Oh it’s just some business cards that my friend left for me.” Apparently that satisfied his curiosity because he said OK and proceeded to ride off on his bike.

I will say that I am now more cautious and aware of the [Homeowner Association] surroundings than ever before. I have never seen that postman riding his bike before and I leave for work almost the same time every day. Is it merely coincidence that he just so happened to riding his bike by my house the Monday after he “supposedly” finds the CTT cards in an envelope with my name on them? And what business of his is it as to what the contents of the envelope were? Is the US Post Office now placing my house and family under surveillance or was this just a random current of events that transpired on Conspiracy Theory Thursday? I can’t say for sure but I am going to the dollar store immediately after work to stock up on tin foil.


Are you under attack? Do you need CTT cards so that you may effectively spread the word about the secret goings on? Let me know at

Thursday, July 16, 2009

A Match Made in Yavin

An unholy alliance grows strong, the likes of which could only occur in the San Francisco Bay Area (or Vermont, or New Hampshire…anyway, this story is happening in Frisco).

Corporations no doubt hold more sway over our society than they did 100 years ago. That must be why Obama is jealous of powerful companies and is trying to catch ‘em all like Pokemon (another rant for another day).

But what would happen if two global moneymaking powers combined? How much more strongly could they control the world economy? And what if they found a way to do it without the Government being able to stop them?

Those fears have been realized…

What we’re talking about here is a vile union of two entities which will rock the foundations of our minds.

Steve Jobs and George Lucas have been having a love affair since 1983!

Let’s look at a few facts:

1. After Return of the Jedi in 1983 everything else he’s put out has made it obvious that George Lucas has been *ahem* distracted.

2. Love has a way of clouding business judgments. Lucas sold Pixar to Jobs over twenty years ago = DUMB MOVE. Why did he do it? Supposedly “to pay off his ex-wife.” Seriously? We’re supposed to believe that in 1984 George wasn’t making enough money from Ewok merchandise? Why do you think he got divorced in the first place? His wife probably found a black turtleneck under George’s pillow.

3. The only computer games made for Mac seem to be made by Blizzard (Warcraft, Starcraft, WoW) and LucasArts games (Lego [insert marketable movie franchise here]).

4. My iPhone won’t correct half the words I spell wrong, but it always capitalizes Jedi. (Yeah, I text the word Jedi a lot.)

5. The iPhone is becoming strikingly similar to the Star Wars all-in-one handheld touchscreen device: the datapad.

6. Jobs seems to be dying every other week, yet he always mysteriously comes back. CONCLUSION: George Lucas is either dunking him in a tank of the cure-all solution ‘bacta,’ or he’s got the Kaminoans pumping out clone after clone of Steve.

7. Wait a sec…clone after clone of one man so that he could be more ever-present for his lover…where does that sound familiar? Well, Lucas’ special effects guru for Star Wars—Richard Edlund—left the company in 1983, but he did the special effects cloning of Michael Keaton in Multiplicity! Richard must have taken some secret knowledge from Industrial Light and Magic when he left…

This begs the question…

Why fall in love to consolidate power instead of merging companies (aside from that being how they did it in ancient society)?? Anti-trust laws. The Government won’t knowingly allow that merger, so Steve and George have to be subtle about it. So a whole different kind of ‘partnership’ is the route they chose.

If they’re in love, why not just TIE the knot?? (SW fans, you’re welcome for the pun.) Well, for the time being, California can’t decide whether gay marriage is allowed or not, so they’re biding their time.

Such creative, odd couple would surely have an unconventional, cutting edge love child. With a history of pioneering computer-generated images…oh my…it’s Jar Jar Binks!

Next week: What this union means for you!

Why Lucas sold Pixar

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Facebook Matrix 3: SkyNet is Active!

If you haven't, read parts 1 and 2 first.
In late September of 2008, an act of desperation on the part of British spy agency MI6 was announced.

“MI6 is using the social networking site Facebook to recruit the next generation of spies.”

How did they do that? By sending offers to the highest scorers on Mafia Wars?

“The Secret Intelligence Service, which has traditionally scoured the country's elite universities for recruits, launched a series of online adverts this month as part of its attempts to attract people from a variety of backgrounds.”

Oh, so somewhere in between the ads asking if I’m sick of being overweight, and if I’d like to make $3,000 a week by simply eating ice cream, the Facebook page margin was soliciting me to be the next 007?…nice.

“’There has been a very good response so far,’ said a spokeswoman.”

But it seems that the social networking site has other plans for the world’s military.
Fast forward to July 2009…

“The perils of putting personal data on Facebook were made painfully obvious when the wife of John Sawers - the next head of MI6 - put details, photos, and information about him and his family on the social networking site.

“There were…photographs of the future spy chief on the site, forcing the Foreign Secretary, David Miliband, to do a tour of TV studios, saying: ‘You know he wears a Speedo swimsuit. That's not a state secret.’

“Lady Sawers revealed the location of the London flat used by the couple, the whereabouts of their three grown-up children, and the address of Sir John's parents. Up-to-date information on Sir John's address as well as photos of numerous family members were readily available.”

In Mission: Impossible, Ethan Hunt didn’t need the NOC list, just a Facebook account!

“[t]he posting of personal data on the internet puts the new head at risk as well as posing a potential threat to national security.”

And really, what isn’t a threat to national security these days?

However, the Foreign Secretary said there was no security risk posed by knowing John Sawers wears speedos.

Are you sure this isn’t a security risk?
At least this pic wasn’t of ‘M’.

When solicited for comment, former intelligence officer and creative name haver, Mr. Black, said, "Cock-ups happen.” I couldn’t have said it better myself.

What does this mean? Facebook is tearing down our world’s most capable spy networks, and having the spies’ loved ones do it voluntarily!

And MI6 can’t fight back…this isn’t even an enemy that James Bond could face! Maybe Pierce Brosnan would have stooped to doing a Bond flick about 007 fighting in cyberspace, but we’ve got Daniel Craig now. What’s he gonna do, bludgeon MacBooks to death for 120 minutes? That movie would suck!

Maybe this isn’t just the Matrix manifest, but rather some amalgamation of all the horrific Hollywood prophecies. This seems very reminiscent of Terminator’s SkyNet: another man-made network that became self-aware and then destroyed humanity so machines could rule us all.

Isaac Asimov, an author whose visionary criticism of mankind’s robot reliance-spawned doom will never be read by new generations thanks to Will Smith, also predicted such an occurrence at the end of his novel, I, Robot. In his predictions, the first worldwide supercomputer takes over, controlling our world, and we are helpless due to our reliance on it.

In his vision, robots are designed with three laws in mind:

“1. A robot may not injure a human being, or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
2. A robot must obey the orders given it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.”

Even with those laws, Asimov’s fictional robots found a way to lord over us.

Our doom is inevitable, for Facebook has no laws…

See you in the bomb shelter. Don’t forget the Spam.

MI6 Seeks Recruits on Facebook
Security Risks of Social Networks
The Three Laws