Thursday, August 19, 2010

Squeaky Wheel Gets the Galaxy

Forgive me in advance...

If a supposedly maligned and disenfranchised group seeks reparations, where and how can they find them? Well, it appears by attacking celestial bodies.

The NAACP has recently mounted an attack on black holes. I wish I were making this up. Here is evidence of two fronts in this war on the suckers.

In the first video, African American Dallas city councilmen get worked up at the very use of the term 'Black Hole.'

In the next, you'll see as the NAACP mounts an assault on Hallmark over their use of the term 'Black Hole.'

So what do angry blacks gain by attacking black holes and scaring people from even using the term?

Well, in polytheism, celestial beings' power is relative to the belief in that power. So, as worship declines, so too does power. By reducing the number of times people say 'black hole', the militant few also decrease the power of black holes at large.

What consequences are there to this subtle attack on the theoretical gravitational giants? Well, recently scientists waited with bated breath for the expected creation of a black hole.

"A star went supernova with more than twice the mass needed to ultimately collapse into a black hole. "


"But something weirder happened - the star became a magnetar, an asteroid-sized star with the most powerful magnetic field in the universe."

See?! In just a few short months, their assault has stopped the production of black holes. But why?

I'm convinced they are changing the course of Armageddon.

Black holes are gravitational, and will pull anything in. So the escape from this world which could happen via black holes is becoming less likely.

Super electromagnets only pull metals towards them. That's why these people are equipping themselves with more and more metals! So that when these new supermagnet stars do approach earth, they'll perform a racial-restrictive rapture--drawing forth the black hole killers by their grills, Mercedes hubcap medallions, and pinky rings.

Want more proof? Our first black president effectively cancelled NASA's space mission, so no one's going into space until this new evil plan unfolds.

Help us, Alpha Centauri, you're our only hope.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Conspiracy Mary Monday: Eat That, TDJC!

A week ago, a six-story foam statue of Jesus was struck by lightning and burned to the ground. That you already know, no doubt.

But people are curious as to why. Comments online are widely varied, to this effect: 'Maybe God was actually serious when He said that whole 'graven images' thing. Maybe God hates Jesus. Or maybe it was lighting striking the tallest metal frame in the area.'

But the truth struck me as soon as I saw the news story. I immediately knew the culprit. The only thing that delayed this post was finding the evidence. Apparently Momma doesn't want to be found.

I took a trip to Port Arthur, Texas, several years ago for a wedding. The locals all said the same thing: "You HAVE to see this statue!" The site scared me, and the imagery haunts my dreams more than white owls after watching The Fourth Kind.

After the burning Jesus statue story broke, I went to my electronic photo album, where I had three pictures of this horrific lady whom I deemed responsible for the Ohio blasphemy. The photos were gone. The photos of the wedding remained; only the pictures of the statue and its shrine were missing.

So I searched the web for similar statues in Port Arthur, Texas. Nada. My hope was to pull it up on Google Maps Street View, but no results were found.

Then I contacted the friend from that town, who finally told my that the church was Our Lady of Guadalupe. So I pulled it up online. Google Maps showed it prominently, but Street View wasn't an option. So I FORCED Street View, and the following images came up.

So, my lady, you are still veiled in secrecy. So I dug deeper. The church that houses the shrine that houses the statue has a website. There I was able to find possibly the only two remaining snapshots of the one who called for JC to get capped.

Touchdown Jesus, meet Hellraiser Mary.

You cannot defeat her. She's already done $700,000 worth of damage with her Storm-like superpowers from over 1,000 miles away. Now you plan to rebuild, Ohio church? She laughs at you. Chick has like four dozen lightning rods and hasn't yet been taken down by Zeus's bolts.

"You wanna compete with Momma in the most distracting roadside statue contest? Bring it," she scoffs, "and also, 45 Hail Maries."


Thursday, June 3, 2010

Conspiracy Facebook Friday: Betty White

Rue McClanahan, the actress most famously known for her role in The Golden Girls has passed. While this is sad, it demands analysis.

Rue was the youngest of the actresses on the show, but she wasnt the last of them to pass. There is still one of her cast mates that survivesand to our horrorthrives.

Thats right, Betty White is still going strong. In fact shes making something of a comeback in Hollywood, having hosted Saturday Night Live recently to rave reviews.

Im sure youre thinking, But this doesnt sound odd at all.

After we dig past the surface, we find shocking hints at the truth. When it was reported online that Betty White was saddened by the loss of Ms. McClanahan, some anonymous comment seem to have shed light on things.

One read, Wow, Betty will do anything to stay in the spotlight.


Another posted, Stay strong Betty.

Stay strong? Does that imply a recent acquisition of new strength?

I believe these two posts allude somehow to the fact that Betty White drained Rue of all her remaining stardom (in Hollywood, this is equivalent to life force).

It should come as no surprise the thought that Hollywoods power is a zero sum game. Its scientifically proven by the Nielsen ratings company or something that in order for one show to be popular, others have to fail. Thus, the rise of one show spells the decline of another. So, as the sitcom The Big Bang Theory regrettably becomes more popular, it stands to reason that Chuck has to lose viewers (thankfully).

The same theory is to be applied to the cast of a once-famous, cancelled show. It holds true of the Friends cast. Joey and Studio 60 couldnt hold a candle to Cougartown, while Lisa Kudrows relative obscurity has Jennifer Anistons success to blame.

So too must we use this model to examine the cast of The Golden Girls. Again, in Hollywood, stardom = life force. This means Rue McClanahans death at the time of Betty Whites return to the screen is no accident. Shes learned somehow to drain life force from other stars.

And how has the sudden surge of power feel?

Betty claims, It hurts more than I even thought it would, if that's even possible."

Well, thats what your 90-year-old body gets.

How does one learn the evil rites required to usurp the life of another, though?


Facebook is responsible for her spot in SNL, after it forced Lorne Michaels hand in a back room deal.

Yes, only Facebook is evil enough to know the dark rituals that Betty must have performed to attain Rues very power. Let us shudder in horror, then update our status.


Thursday, May 13, 2010

Putting the O in Orwell

It has come, a time where society's Orwellian 'Big Brother' fears have met with my own worst nightmare.

FoxNews reports that the White House administration is skirting typical press release methods and moving towards producing their own videos and releasing information on their own terms.

But FoxNews also claims that the media is in love with Obama and his administration. So if they're not avoiding the media because of animosity, why are they doing it?

The White House is opting to "communicate with Americans through its own brand of news releases, Tweets, videos and blogs."

Follow me as I show you what's going on here.

Obama released the American Reinvestment and Recovery Act (ARRA) of 2009.

ARRA funded a factory to develop organic light emitting diode (OLED) technology. What the heck are OLEDs? Here's how it's described by "OLEDs are solid-state devices composed of thin films of organic molecules that create light with the application of electricity."

OLEDs allow for super thin monitor/TV displays, so thin they are flexible and able to be rolled up anywhere (or rolled onto anything).

"What if you could have a "heads up" display in your car? How about a display monitor built into your clothing? These devices may be possible in the near future with the help of a technology called organic light-emitting diodes (OLEDs)."

Can we all agree that what's really happening is the administration is simply developing the technology to paste monitors on your toilets, your cars, your kitchen sinks, the backboard of your local basketball hoop--even your computer monitors--so that Obama can get his subliminal messages out to all of us?


Thursday, March 25, 2010

Facebook Matrix, Part 4 (I Think)

If you’re new to CTT, you’ll need to head back and check out the history of my war on Facebook (or more accurately, my mounting of a resistance to the war Facebook is waging on humanity).

I broke the story of the strange similarities between FB and the machine-created dream world of the Matrix here.

Later, I uncovered a Facebook plot to control your actions via friend suggestions here.

Shortly thereafter, I unraveled the truth surrounding Facebook’s ploy to bring down the world’s militaries and intelligence agencies with this post.

But, sadly, the deadly social networking site has only drawn more people into its clutches. The site itself boasts the following statistics:

50% of our active users log on to Facebook in any given day.” (Cattle.)

“Average user spends more than 55 minutes per day on Facebook.” (If you take out 8 hours for sleep and 8 hours for work from the day to calculate ‘free time’, the average user spends 1/8th of their day on Facebook.)

Think about it. If the only way people are communicating is in the moderated forum of the very entity trying to enslave you, then you’re unable to mount a meaningful resistance. It would be like trying to speak freely on Twitter in China:

Now that general discrediting of this stupid site has been completed, I’d like to show you Facebook’s next step towards assimilation of our species.

Facebook is giving the next generation cock rot while simultaneously destroying the planet.

“[In England] Facebook has contributed to resurgence in the sexually-transmitted disease syphilis.”

Classy, Facebook. Reeeeeeal classy.

“Case have increased fourfold in Sunderland, Durham and Teesside, the areas of Britain where Facebook is most popular.

Facebook is] making it easier for people to meet up for casual sex."

Sad, because that used to be the last thing MySpace had going for it.

I’m pretty certain that all this ‘hacking’ of profiles and posting of sexual pictures and status updates being done isn’t by hackers but rather by Facebook admin (which is likely a sentient Ron Jeremy robot.)

In response to all the Facebook-inspired herpes outbreaks and whatnot, the British government has responded in the only reasonable fashion: clearcutting entire forests.

Which is exactly what Facebook wants them to do.

“A council has backed the removal of 6,000 trees at a beauty spot, saying that the clearance will deterrent to people meeting for sex in the woods.”

Facebook is deceptively clever. It encourages people to have meaningless sex with strangers, while preventing meaningful relationships that will lead to procreation. In the long run this will serve FB well, as there will be less humans to rise up against its machine armies, and the ones that do rise up will be STD-ridden. All the while, FB’s convincing the world’s governments to destroy the trees, slowly killing humanity as well (because machines won’t need the oxygen when t hey rule anyway.)

[cue Ron Howard narration]

On the next Conspiracy Theory Thursday…

The Zombievolution hits China, American Idol. Our only weapon against them proves to be less powerful than we thought.