Thursday, February 25, 2010

Drink Coke, Inch'Allah

Oh, man, is this a good one!

"Extremist Moslems have not dropped their allegations that Pepsi Cola is essentially the code name for a Zionist plot."

Yeah, I bet you didn't know those allegations existed, huh?! Well, they do. And Coca-Cola marketers--I mean Muslim clerics--aren't letting up. Because when you buy Pepsi you're really committing to "Pay Every Penny to Save Israel," according to terrorist group Hamas MP Salem Salamah.

"Cleric Abu Ismail all but called for a Muslim boycott of Pepsi because it stands for ‘Pay Every Penny Saving Israel.’"

Abu Ismail said a penny is “one-thousandth of a dollar.”

Oh, Abu, you blew it. A thousandth of a dollar? Really?

But then The Xenohistorian puts it into perspective, and my paranoid brain starts churning...

Hey says, "You could have fooled me. A better case can be made for Pepsi backing Barack Obama. Yesterday I saw the current Pepsi logo on a sign, in front of the country store I drive past on the way to work every day, and at first I thought it was the Obama logo sideways."

And then I find out that there are allegations that under Obama the Missile Defense logo has changed. Let's take a look.

Looks a lot like the Islamic symbol, no?

Wait, come to think of it. Doesn't a Coca-Cola bottle look a lot like a Scud Missile?

Oh man, does that mean that the swirling lights in Switzerland in December really WERE a Russian missile test? Is there an Obama-Russian-Muslim-Coke conspiracy?!?!

No wonder Tom Cruise is spending millions of dollars for a bomb shelter. He's not hiding from aliens, like this article suggests, but rather hiding from the coming doom here on earth.


Thursday, February 18, 2010

That Ain't No Piece of Ash!

So, Joe Biden appears yesterday with a big ole liver spot or something on his forehead, and freaks us all out. "We just got past done with a constantly-dying VP with Cheney, now another one?" we woefully cried.

Then everyone clamored to clear it up. Everyone from the White House to the media, even the blogosphere quickly explained that it was from Ash Wednesday, and Biden was a Catholic. Not even addressing the fact that his politics don't exactly fit the doctrine of Christianity (Catholic or otherwise), I'm not so convinced that this mysterious mark on his brow can be explained by Ash.

Exhibit A: The ashes are supposed to be placed in the mark of a cross, as depicted below.

So unless his priest was lazy (perhaps a temp priest hired with stimulus funds?), I don't buy the ash bit.

I don't have an Exhibit B.

What is the Government hiding?! What's going on with Biden's fivehead?! Not convinced that something's going on behind the scenes? Consider this: An expert believes Joe Biden has had botox injections in his forehead.



Go here for the full story.

But what for? Why the forehead cover-up? Why not just wear a hat, or put a huge flag pin in the front of his dome?

Is his inner thetan coming out? If so, why is he trying to put it back in?

I need your help! What's going on?

As before, your theories are worth something to me. Every comment of substance (and if you read this blog you know I use that term liberally) between now and Easter will enter you to win the next big prize. Last time it was the Little Book of Conspiracies, which Mothergoose won. I have a picture of him/her graciously holding up the book, but by the time I put a mosaic blur over his/her face, body, clothing, and surroundings in order to protect his/her identity, it was little more than a picture of the book.


Thursday, February 4, 2010

Hugo, Why You Gotta Be So Haiti?

Let's all welcome Hugo Chavez to the list of most famous Conspiracy Theorists. He recently blamed the U.S. Government for the earthquake in Haiti, claiming that the Navy launched a tectonic weapon. He states that this was only a test, and that once the weapon is refined, Iran will be the ultimate target.

This wouldn't be the first time in the past year that a Government blamed another for some quasi-natural phenomenon. Remember when the swirling lights in the air above Switzerland were purported as being a Russian missile test?

What about when the country Georgia blamed Russia for one of its earthquakes?

This futuristic weaponry isn't going where I'd hoped. I mean, where's the space station the size of a moon that can destroy entire planets? Rattling the earth's crust in the third world is a bit lackluster.

I hope Hollywood picks this up and runs with it. Imagine the trailer - "In a world where the very ground fears the military, only one overweight dictator has the cajones to stand up to an evil government. Horatio Sanz is Hugo Chavez in Tectonic Warfare: The Day the Earth Stopped Standing Still."

Another theory is that Haiti was being punished for a pact with the Devil that they used to secure independence. If that's the case, I recommend you find out if any 1970s rock stars live near you, and move away, because you may be the next collateral damage to an untimely smiting.

Real Clear Politics