Thursday, November 19, 2009

New Moon Over Moldova

Vampire fever has officially spread to eastern Europe.


"Moldova's army is feeding its soldiers onions and garlic to help them ward off swine flu."

Garlic? Eastern Europe? Paranoia? All on the day Twilight: New Moon opens? This sounds too good to be true, and too good to be swine flu.

"Onion and garlic are traditional remedies in Moldova where they are widely believed to boost the immune system."

"Immunity to what?" we should be asking ourselves.

Last I checked, it's less than 150 miles from Transylvania to the Moldova border. Those Moldovans know something we don't! What's going to happen at midnight after the previews finish?

More importantly, what is the US Government doing to protect us? It seems they've once again taken a page from fantasy's playbook.

Just south of Chicago, "Red Gate Woods was a legally protected area for preservation purposes...[until] the US needed a place to secretly research the effects of radiation on animals while building an atomic bomb."

Uh huuuuuh...

"These areas kennels..."

Dogs + Radiation = Awesome. Go on...

"According to legend, a young couple, with their newborn baby, were involved in a fatal accident sometime during the 1950’s... in the area. The accident took the lives of the couple, but the baby was thrown clear from the car, and never found.


"This child was then raised by local wildlife, and he grew a thin coat of grey hair over his entire body…as you’d expect a wolf-boy to do."

Bingo! We have the answer! The US Government probably stole werewolf breeding concepts from the Native Americans over a century ago, but lacked the shamanistic magic to make it happen...until nuclear fission! I think you can substitute radiation for all sorts of things these days; it's like the Splenda of supernatural phenomena.

So rest safe, America. You're in good hands. The US probably has entire units of werewolf soldiers now. And if for some reason the US military hasn't gotten enough research on wolfmen yet, they certainly will after interrogating this dude.


Thursday, November 12, 2009

I Believe, Milla!

Milla Jovovich took some time off from killing zombies to investigate spacemen (good thing Woody Harrellson stepped up to pick up the undead-killing slack). In
The Fourth Kind, she portrays a woman faced with alien abductions (including her own).

Driving home from seeing it at the theater, I found my eyes glued to the skies. "Take meeeeeeeeeeeee!" I thought.

The movie's power is the use of actual footage, spliced with actors. Immediately after it's release critics, bloggers, and morons started attacking the validity of the actual footage, claiming it was all fake.

That's what the aliens, the Government, and Roger Ebert want you to think! They're all in on it.

Ebert says: "Boy, is the Nome, Alaska, Chamber of Commerce going to be pissed off when it sees "The Fourth Kind." You don't wanna go there."

Oh really, good sir? Why are you so worried about some town government?

I'm not saying Roger Ebert is an alien, but maybe he's a Fed. Think about it. Running around telling everyone what movies to see (translated: what movies further Obama's socialist agenda), and what movies are total crap (i.e., what movies share the truth OR movies that are actually total crap).

Anyway, back to the cover up regarding The Fourth Kind. So what if the writer/director is the guy interviewing the 'real' Dr. Tyler in a 'real' interview. So what if no one, not even the law enforcement officials of Nome, corroborates the stories? Answer me this:

How did that dude levitate out of his bed?

And how did the footage get so grainy any time something important actually happened?

Ok, I think I'm not helping my case anymore.

But I'm pretty sure Hollywood is preparing us for something big. Go watch the pilot episode of 'V'. Even Darth Popatine is on board.