Thursday, May 28, 2009

CTT Lite: Top 100

Jeff Goldblume, under the command of the Dancing Baby, watches you go BM.

Mike, I'm sorry. 

I have nothing to add to this:
Top 100

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Terminator Revelation

This weekend sees the arrival of Terminator Salvation on the big screen. The unwashed masses long for this event in order to live vicariously through John Connor, who has finally moved out from underneath a robot's shadow and for the first time in four movies will do something other than run like a girl. The enlightened few, however, have longed for the debut to get the answer to a mystery.

And Terminator delivers! Finally, thanks to this movie, we'll know...

...who killed Laci Peterson!

Unexpected? Hang on tight.

"Concerning the Laci Peterson case, I think that Scott is innocent, and that Laci was abducted and murdered by a Satanic cult."

But how do you know that?

"[I]n the "Terminator" movies,"


That's right. This person's confident that "Terminator" holds the clues to this cold case. I'm sorry, crazy one, do go on.

"[I]n the "Terminator" movies, note that John Connor is the name of the saviour of the world hero born to a woman, who the Terminator robot from the future is after; note that Laci's unborn son was to be named Conner, another coincidence that could be significant."


"And note that the movie "Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines" was in theatres in July 2003, and Terminator 3 focuses on John Connor; and in July 2003 the Laci Peterson case was in the news."

Compelling. Oh, there's more?

"And it is interesting that The Terminator Arnold is now governor of California."


"And in this Scott Peterson case, a major legal issue appears to be whether the death of Laci's unborn son should be considered a second homicide. This introduces the politically important issue of whether death of a fetus can be considered murder."

Am I missing something?

"Also, Laci's last name, Peterson: it was Peter who was Christ's disciple who built the Church. And Laci's maiden name, Rocha: note it is similar to the word "Rock"."

I think we've wandered from the case. But by now, you're clearly convinced that the Terminator franchise has led us to crucial information on this case. Ok, well, no relevant facts or leads were uncovered using the Terminator. The link to the satanic cult was actually uncovered using the Bible Code.

For those unfamiliar with the Bible Code, you can set this software to search the letters of biblical text in any assorted range, direction, order, and interval to find random meaningless word clusters. It's like a "Find a Word" puzzle for the paranoid. Here's what found:

"The King James Bible code matrix below was made by using an ELS (skip) range of -10000 to 10000, and searching the Old Testament. These words were found in a matrix cluster at ELS = -2178, in Ezekiel 39-42. Notice that these words are in this matrix: PETERSON (vertically backwards), SCOTT, LACI, SATAN, DEMON. That makes sense if there is a Satanic connection to this case. Also in the matrix are other words that are relevant: DRINK BLOOD (a possible Satanic activity), CAPTIVITY, TO SLAY, FIRE AND BRIMSTONE, THE VISION, PALM TREE, THE VALLEY, THE MOUNTAINS (California has Palm trees, valleys, and mountains), THE EARTH SHALL SHAKE (California has frequent earthquakes)."

Why didn't I think of that?! Since the Bible was already searched, I'm going to search Christian Bale's explicit rant on the set of Terminator Salvation, in which he spouts curses at a crew member for fixing the lighting during filming. I was able to snag letters from the transcript and create a string of words: DONUT, FRESH CHERRIES, FRESH SQUEEZED TROPICANA PULP-FREE ORANGE JUICE WITH CALCIUM

How did Christian Bale predict my breakfast for today?!

Laci Peterson's investigation occurred as Terminator 3 was debuting. And what about another Peterson woman murder where the husband is the suspect? On the eve of Terminator 4's release, police just found what they believe to be the remains of Stacy Peterson, believed to be murdered by her husband Drew.

Could it get any weirder? Anyone? People Magazine?

"One of the characters "Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines" was nearly named Scott Peterson -- just like the Modesto, Calif., man charged with killing his wife Laci and their unborn son, reports the Associated Press.

Instead, that name was changed to Scott Mason -- although in an interview appearing in Britain, actor Mark Famiglietti, who plays Mason in T3, said filming was finished four months before Laci Peterson was reported missing."

Man, this week's post started as comedy, but ended with an eerie shudder.


Christian Bale Rant Transcript
Peterson Body Found

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Ample Waves of Grain - Cover up

Unless you’re of the Colbert faithful, or you are too lazy to change the radio dial when NPR starts shaking their cup for donations, you’re likely unfamiliar with the company Monsanto. They’re a diabolical corporate cabal capable of genetically altering plant life. I think they can make corn chips out of stonewashed denim or whatever.

The organic foods underground is committed to ridding the world of Monsanto and its competitors because they’re jealous hippie agriculture can’t feed an African village with a single soybean or something.

Hence the release of eye-opening book Seeds of Deception. Surely you’ve heard of it. Oh…uhhh…you haven’t heard of it? Surprising.

Well, here’s what Ben Cohen (of Ben and Jerry's) says of the film, "Outrageous! That's what you'll say over and over again when you read how the biotechnology companies have manipulated the government, our food, and the media, and put an entire generation at risk."

Yeah, that’s right; Ben and Jerry’s co-founder is apparently a spokesman for health food.

Anyway, here are some other words used to describe the gravity of the film: “This powerful exposé could spark the revolution that this topic deserves…, you will never see your country the same way again… somewhere between a documentary and a thriller… this book could save your life…... If you care about the future of life on this dear planet... this is the book to get.”

I, however, have a sneaking suspicion that Monsanto is behind this anti-Monsanto movement, to their own gain. Why?

Firstly, if this movement were a legitimate threat, Monsanto would unleash Cobzilla all over them. (pronounced Cob-zheerah in Japan)

*Not actual size.

Also, if the corporation’s image is untarnished, it stays out of the media. They’re taking a play from twenty-something female celebrities playbook, which is something like, “It’s better to be trashy and badmouthed than have integrity and go unnoticed.” Monsanto is willing to be the bad boy to stay relevant to Americans. As their nefarious plot unfolds, expect to see Monsanto execs allow panty-less crotch pictures, ‘accidentally’ badmouth minorities on camera, and kiss girls and like it.

But mainly, the company sees exposing its vile killing power as a means to achieving more market share. How can this be? Wouldn’t exposing an evil megacorp’s deepest, darkest secrets (which include virtually poisoning humanity worldwide) bring it to its knees?

Super Size Me garnered similar reviews: “disgusting, shocking, and overall scary...” And McDonalds barely blinked. The munchy megacorp has continued to grow at alarming rates. In fact, Super Size Me inspired so many copy cats who went on 30-day Micky D’s binges, that one could argue that the exposé was the best thing to happen to them since all white meat nuggets.

So, this is a conspiracy wrapped in a cover up, without a real cover up at all, except the covering up of the fact that the real conspiracy is the creation of a fake conspiracy. My brain hurts…

Ball pit!

*Editor’s note: I ate an Extra Value Meal while watching Super Size Me.


Thursday, May 7, 2009

It started off so innocently…

“Can someone please tell me how to fry twinkies. I tried it last night and they absorbed all the oil. Thanks!”

And then a barrage of replies follows up, answering the questions of how to properly deep fry a Twinkie.

You didn’t catch it did you? There’s a secret phenomenon that we’re being distracted from.

That’s because they don’t want you to know the true power of the Twinkie.

Take another look at the query “they absorbed all the oil.” Seemingly innocuous, this tasty sponge can bestow great powers (and dire curses) upon humanity. Many believe the Twinkie is not of this world, has come from the stars, and like Kryptonite it has curious sway over the minds and bodies of this world.

Several of these traits are known to a small group of enlightened mortals:

The Twinkie can force you to do vile things to push its galactic conservative agenda, as evidenced by the ‘Twinkie Defense’ of Dan White in his trial for the murder of Harvey Milk. White claimed this junk food forced him to kill Milk, but then White’s lawyers mounted a formidable case using the Twinkie as a defense. CONCLUSION: The Twinkie is evil, but fiercely loyal.

The participants in the T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. project spent years subjecting the Twinkie to rigorous scientific testing, and concluded “Twinkies are not sentient in any way we can understand.” CONCLUSION: While most believe this means the Twinkie is not sentient, it actually means this prolific pastry is superior to our minds, above our own comprehension.

Another T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. experiment observed the Twinkie’s reaction to gravitational forces. One of these diabolical delicacies was dropped from a high-rise window, while the ‘control’ cake was simply placed upon the sidewalk. Side-by-side comparison showed that the dropped Twinkie suffered only ‘a small fissure’. CONCLUSION: if you know anything about Twinkies, you know that wound WILL heal.

Finally, a third test yielded curious results: “since the Twinkie is a ‘moist sponge cake’, it is too wet to burn” but “Twinkies actually burn quite nicely once they are dried out.” How is this significant?

“…they absorbed all the oil.”

For those whose minds haven’t collapsed at the sudden revelation, count yourself lucky. The coupling of such eldritch knowledge is akin to that of awareness of Cthulhu. Scoop your brother’s brains off the keyboard, though, and let’s see this to the end.

The Twinkie is capable of defending itself against its only weakness: the flame. I read somewhere that in some remote Oriental cultures, the Twinkie (instead of water) sits opposite fire in the order of the four elements. In fact, many ancient cultures pay homage to this visitor from the heavens.

Now that you know its power (and price)…stand in cautious awe of this galactic goodie, like our enlightened ancestors who erected Twinkhenge in reverence.


The Query
Twinkie Defense
Twinkie Facts
T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. Project