Friday, January 16, 2009

Phast Phood Prophecy

Religious organizations are secretly running the world. That’s not news, but the newfound knowledge into how they’re carrying out their agenda is shocking. Certain clandestine churches are battling for the souls of the world…with trans fat!

We recently learned that Muslims are using ice cream to further their radical agenda. But at the heart of the epic struggle are two fast food giants, largely masked in secrecy and odd practices. In-N-Out Burger and Chick-Fil-A, the two titans of doctrinal deep-frying, currently have the market cornered on blasphemous burgers, chaste chicken, and preachy potatoes; and they’re using that in an eternal battle over, well, eternity!

We’ll start with the California-based In-N-Out Burger. A fellow theorist points out, “Anti-Mormon Born Again Christians? Geographic restrictions? Family-only ownership? In-N-Out sounds like the fast food equivalent of the Illuminati or Opus Dei from Da Vinci Code.” You’re tellin’ me. What about their “Secret Menu”? What’s so special about your animal style fries that you have to keep them from the rank and file of society? This equivalent to a special handshake points out that there is a cult-like ‘In’ crowd.

And Chick-Fil-A, what’s your story? You close down on Sunday? The ONE day hard-working Americans are free to eat your food, you’re off somewhere else. If you were a benevolent organization, Christians leaving church wouldn’t have to go to a heathen restaurant, like McDonalds. What’s going on behind your doors that one day every week?

Most startling is the revelation that occurs once they are juxtaposed.

Both companies have three syllable, misspelled, hyphenated names, are family owned, are faith based, are veiled in secrecy, and have specialized menus.

And in those menus lies the key to their differences. Apparently, in the first half of the 20th century, the major religious leaders got together to determine how they could subjugate the people of the world. S. Truett Cathy and Rich Snyder each proposed their sandwich plans to present to the masses. One was chicken and the other was beef.

A global war ensued, and we should be grateful, for if the two sides ever reconcile, they will achieve their greatest dreams, a nation of 700 pound bed-ridden individuals who are forced to watch televangelists. Don’t believe me? An insider leaked me this photo of their god from their secret archives.

Watch what you eat!

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Extraterrestrial Playstation

Again I seek to share with you what is right under your noses.

It's a common theory among the suspicious that our technology is not our own. Earth gets the galaxy's tech hand-me-downs, like a younger son (I'm not bitter.)

The first to share this was author H.P. Lovecraft. Since his death the powers that be have referred to his theories as "fiction." In his work, The Whisperer in Darkness, he told us that every advancement in technology and scientific discovery was a result of hints left by the alien inhabitants of the planet Yuggoth. To discredit him, governments have since called it Pluto and convinced the textbooks it's not even a planet.

The confused theorists at The Disclosure Project wants us to believe that Earth (if that is her real name) received alien space flight technology and the governments are covering it up. This is a half truth. "Earth" did receive the flight technology, but there is nothing to disclose. You're about to learn that the common citizenry utilizes this tech daily.

Remember when the Playstation 2 was lauded upon release for its breakthrough processor? The highly publicized claim was that it was more sophisticated than the computer that ran the space program which put men on the moon (yeah, man walked on the moon...whatever). No, it WAS that space flight technology! It was publicized to show the aliens that we were being good humans and using their gadgetry as commanded: to lull the populace into laziness, instead of achieving deep space exploration.

Not convinced?

Take a look at parallel timelines of space flight and video game development.

1957: Sputnik launched
1961: MIT students develop pioneering game Spacewar!
1969: Man walks on moon
1971: Galaxy Game installed in Stanford U. student union
1977: Voyagers 1 and 2 launched
1979: Atari released Asteroids

Note the subject matter of all three groundbreaking games.

Once again, the prosecution rests. I'ma go jump on my Wii and play Super Mario Galaxy.