Monday, June 21, 2010

Conspiracy Mary Monday: Eat That, TDJC!

A week ago, a six-story foam statue of Jesus was struck by lightning and burned to the ground. That you already know, no doubt.

But people are curious as to why. Comments online are widely varied, to this effect: 'Maybe God was actually serious when He said that whole 'graven images' thing. Maybe God hates Jesus. Or maybe it was lighting striking the tallest metal frame in the area.'

But the truth struck me as soon as I saw the news story. I immediately knew the culprit. The only thing that delayed this post was finding the evidence. Apparently Momma doesn't want to be found.

I took a trip to Port Arthur, Texas, several years ago for a wedding. The locals all said the same thing: "You HAVE to see this statue!" The site scared me, and the imagery haunts my dreams more than white owls after watching The Fourth Kind.

After the burning Jesus statue story broke, I went to my electronic photo album, where I had three pictures of this horrific lady whom I deemed responsible for the Ohio blasphemy. The photos were gone. The photos of the wedding remained; only the pictures of the statue and its shrine were missing.

So I searched the web for similar statues in Port Arthur, Texas. Nada. My hope was to pull it up on Google Maps Street View, but no results were found.

Then I contacted the friend from that town, who finally told my that the church was Our Lady of Guadalupe. So I pulled it up online. Google Maps showed it prominently, but Street View wasn't an option. So I FORCED Street View, and the following images came up.

So, my lady, you are still veiled in secrecy. So I dug deeper. The church that houses the shrine that houses the statue has a website. There I was able to find possibly the only two remaining snapshots of the one who called for JC to get capped.

Touchdown Jesus, meet Hellraiser Mary.

You cannot defeat her. She's already done $700,000 worth of damage with her Storm-like superpowers from over 1,000 miles away. Now you plan to rebuild, Ohio church? She laughs at you. Chick has like four dozen lightning rods and hasn't yet been taken down by Zeus's bolts.

"You wanna compete with Momma in the most distracting roadside statue contest? Bring it," she scoffs, "and also, 45 Hail Maries."


Thursday, June 3, 2010

Conspiracy Facebook Friday: Betty White

Rue McClanahan, the actress most famously known for her role in The Golden Girls has passed. While this is sad, it demands analysis.

Rue was the youngest of the actresses on the show, but she wasnt the last of them to pass. There is still one of her cast mates that survivesand to our horrorthrives.

Thats right, Betty White is still going strong. In fact shes making something of a comeback in Hollywood, having hosted Saturday Night Live recently to rave reviews.

Im sure youre thinking, But this doesnt sound odd at all.

After we dig past the surface, we find shocking hints at the truth. When it was reported online that Betty White was saddened by the loss of Ms. McClanahan, some anonymous comment seem to have shed light on things.

One read, Wow, Betty will do anything to stay in the spotlight.


Another posted, Stay strong Betty.

Stay strong? Does that imply a recent acquisition of new strength?

I believe these two posts allude somehow to the fact that Betty White drained Rue of all her remaining stardom (in Hollywood, this is equivalent to life force).

It should come as no surprise the thought that Hollywoods power is a zero sum game. Its scientifically proven by the Nielsen ratings company or something that in order for one show to be popular, others have to fail. Thus, the rise of one show spells the decline of another. So, as the sitcom The Big Bang Theory regrettably becomes more popular, it stands to reason that Chuck has to lose viewers (thankfully).

The same theory is to be applied to the cast of a once-famous, cancelled show. It holds true of the Friends cast. Joey and Studio 60 couldnt hold a candle to Cougartown, while Lisa Kudrows relative obscurity has Jennifer Anistons success to blame.

So too must we use this model to examine the cast of The Golden Girls. Again, in Hollywood, stardom = life force. This means Rue McClanahans death at the time of Betty Whites return to the screen is no accident. Shes learned somehow to drain life force from other stars.

And how has the sudden surge of power feel?

Betty claims, It hurts more than I even thought it would, if that's even possible."

Well, thats what your 90-year-old body gets.

How does one learn the evil rites required to usurp the life of another, though?


Facebook is responsible for her spot in SNL, after it forced Lorne Michaels hand in a back room deal.

Yes, only Facebook is evil enough to know the dark rituals that Betty must have performed to attain Rues very power. Let us shudder in horror, then update our status.