Thursday, February 26, 2009

Scarlett and Crimson

Citizens of the world, cringe in fear, for the Nazis are infiltrating Hollywood in order to destroy America. I'm going to take some liberties with the grammar of the theorist, as it's hard to follow. H.P. Lovecraft must have been right: the closer you get to the dark truth, the more mad you get. And this person must have known some SERIOUS secrets, as they had TROUBLE with complete sentences. For extra fun, take out the words in brackets and it reads like a 3rd grader's mad lib.

"I would like inform you that Scarlett Johansson (actress) actually is a clone from [another] original person, who has nothing [to do] with acting career. [The] clone was created illegally by using stolen biomaterial. [The] original Scarlett (last name Galabekian) is nice, CHRISTIAN young lady."

You know what? I think the startling truth cuts through the doubt in our minds more easily if I stop editing. Just read this stuff as-is.

"I'll tell you more, those clones (it's not only one) made in GERMANY-world leader manufacturer of humans clones, it is in Ludwigshafen am Rhein, N. Bavaria, Mr. Helmut Kohl home town.

You can't even imaging the scale of the cloning activity. But warning. H. Kohl clone staff 100% controlling their clones spreading around the world,they are very accurate with that, some of them are still NAZI type disciplined and mind controlled clones,be careful get close with clones you will be controlled too.Original family did not authorize any activity with stolen biological materials,no matter what form it was created,it all needs back to original family control to Cedars-Sinai MedicalCenter in LA.Original Scarlett is not engage,by the way."

It makes sense. We haven't heard from the Nazis that much in the last 60+ years. I used to rack my brain to understand why they just stopped being a threat one day, but now it's all clear. They went underground, and are pumping mindless drones into the U.S. entertainment industry.

But whyyyyyyyyy?!

To continue their assault on the Jewish people, by taking out their bastions of success. Check out this evidence in an MTV interview with Woody Allen.

"MTV: It is true, however, that you and Scarlett have a great working relationship. Why do you think you two click?

You mean aside from his penchant for girls 60 years younger than him? Sorry, I'll let him answer.

"Allen: She just dropped into my professional life inadvertently."


"It was supposed to be Kate Winslet in "Match Point," and at the last minute she was exhausted and called up and said she wanted to back out of it..."

Did she really call, or was it a clone?

"We were trying to figure out who was available for it, and Scarlett happened to be available. This all happened over one weekend."

Only an extremely well funded and organized group could orchestrate such a quick recovery.

As soon as I met her, I had a very good rapport with her. Whenever there's a part she could play, she would probably always be my first choice.

She's since been in a Woody Allen movie every year. This programmed assassin is imbedded in his life 6 months of every year. Once they give her the secret command, she'll take him out on set.

I wonder who else in Hollywood has undergone drastic unexplained 180 degree changes lately, that might be linked to "zee Germans"...

Jeff Rabel

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Raiders of the (Other) Lost Ark

I smell a fifth Indiana Jones movie...

"The Grassy Knoll Institute has uncovered startling evidence that the Ark is in fact an ancient Unidentified Flying Object. At this discovery, the C.I.A. initiated an immediate cover-up to protect the alien technology found still intact on the Ark. The Ark, during the cover of darkness, was airlifted by helicopter from the mountain and flown to the infamous Area 51 in Nevada where it still sits in pieces as every inch has been inspected to unlock the secrets of it’s technology.

Extensive tests were conducted on the Ark and some very peculiar oddities on the shape and design of the Ark were discovered. As recorded in the bible, the Ark was an immense vessel measuring close to the size of a current Navy Aircraft Carrier but much wider. Almost three times wider. The bible also said the Ark was constructed of wood and that it had multiple levels to house the animals in an organized manner.

This has been confirmed as the wood on the Ark was in heavy decay when first brought in to the military hanger. But the bible left something out. They left out the part that the Ark also had an inner hull and shell made of an unknown metal that has no weld seams or blemishes, even to this day. This would make the Ark quite buoyant enabling it to withstand the roughest of sea’s including tidal waves and hurricanes. The vessel also has multiple levels with built in cages with an elaborate drain and air filtering design.

Also found in the Ark is a device believed to be some sort of replicating device that would recycle waste and raw materials and convert it into fresh water and animal food. This device would enable the crew to stock the vessel with supplies and not worry about depleting their resources. If this device can be fully understood, it would give new meaning to the recycling programs in this country. Not to mention water purification centers.

Religious implications that will change the teachings of the bible have also been found inside the Ark. A captains journal, Noah’s journal, has been found inside the living quarters of the Ark. The journal describes the bible story of the great flood. It begins much like the bible’s version with Noah being told by God about a great flood and that the people and animals of the Earth would perish. It was written that the flood would be so great and immense that it would cover the world for 40 days. So far so good.

The next part is where the bible and Noah’s journal part ways. Noah explains in detail that the visitors from the sky had come to help Noah and his family survive. The visitors told Noah of a great fire that was heading toward the earth and when it landed, it would cause a tidal wave that would cover and destroy the world. They would help build him a great Ark so Noah and his family could survive.

Noah was instructed to collect as many farm animals as he could so that they could repopulate the world when the waters subsided. Noah made sure that he had plenty of male and females of each species. Noah worked hand in hand with the visitors for many days until finally the Ark was completed. The visitors then told Noah and his family to enter the Ark and seal it and not to open it until the Visitors came back.

The visitors told Noah that after the flood waters receded, the earth would not look like it did. The fire from the sky along with the waters on the earth would change the landscape forever. Noah and his family would not recognize the world as they knew it. But the visitors would help them in the quest to build a new beginning.

Pretty nice and tidy little ending isn’t it? Not to the Grassy Knoll Institute it isn’t! Continuing in Noah’s journal, he spoke of another sun that appeared in the sky and was getting larger every day. This other sun was actually an asteroid on a collision course with earth.

The aliens, or visitors, knew that the asteroid was to large and that it would destroy the earth and all the living things on it. Having pity on the humans, they decided to help a select few survive. They decided to take Noah and his family with them since their planet would be laid to waste after the asteroid impact. Safe and sound in their sealed up Ark, the alien spacecraft lifted the Ark from the ground and placed it into the cargo hold where they would spend their journey tending the flocks of animals and preparing for a new day and a new world.

The aliens flew at light speed and traveled for over a months time, approximately 40 days and arrived in a very quiet solar system where the third planet from the sun could sustain the life of their passengers. The aliens inspected and surveyed the world and deemed it fit and safe so they informed Noah that the waters were receding and in a day or two, they would be able to spot land.

The aliens then placed the Ark in the sea several miles from shore and told Noah to blow the hatch and to wait for the waters to recede and then embark on his new journey. The sea tides slowly drifted the Ark to shore and Noah’s family walked again on dry land. The first humans on the new planet. Planet Earth. Noah thanked the visitors and a new religion began which has continued to this day."


Thursday, February 12, 2009

Pointy Caps of Destruction

This clown is convinced that wizards are real because of pointy hats or something...I'm not sure what he's saying...

"When I awoke this morning I was dreaming that I was talking to Osiris, an Egyptian God who wore a conical shaped hat. His partner was Isis. As a watched him, his headdress suddenly started to spiral from the top of his head. It became a pyramid of light energy then changed into the flame of creation into which he disappeared. The top of Osiris' headdress is torus shaped. This is a reference to creation by consciousness.

The Tube Torus is derived from the basic study of the Flower of Life. By using a simple compass one can create the Flower of life very easily. There are seven basic steps in the composition of the Seed of Life which, if continued to its conclusion, yields the study of the vortex through the Flower of Life. This goes to spiraling consciousness, coiling (DNA) back to source."

He then goes on to tell us several people in history wore conical hats.

"Quetzalcoatl wears a conical cap as wind god Ehecatl...Pharaoh Akhenaten is equally a priest and a ruler, and wears the crown of the two halves (upperworld and underworld) of his dominion. the lower crown denotes the upperworld, the high conical hat the lower....

These people also wore conical hats:

Traditional Vietnamese conical hats or 'Non La'
Certain religous figures in the church
Witches - Warlocks - Magicians
Mysterious gold cones 'hats of ancient wizards

Wizards really did wear tall pointed hats, but not the crumpled cloth kind donned by such fictional characters as Harry Potter, Gandalf and Merlin."

Right, because that would be silly. And in case you're not following, he waits until now to clarify:

"A conical hat is a hat shaped like a cone."

What follows is a barrage of pictures which I can only suppose are meant to help this guy's case, but somehow he misses the mark. You really just have to see the site for yourself.

As for the moral of this story, the next time you're at a McDonald's birthday party and the guest of honor is wearing a conical paper hat, slap that thing off their head. You may be saving the world from evil sorcery.


Thursday, February 5, 2009

The Cult of Kirby

Kirby vacuum salesmen are evil! I’m not saying this because I came home from work to find an odd overweight immigrant vacuuming my carpet. There is something larger and more clandestine at work here.

If you’re not familiar with Kirby, here’s all you need to know: expensive heavy vacuums sold by slimy door-to-door distributors. That’s right, you can’t buy one on their website, or in a store. Straight from How to Buy page, “systems are sold…by independent Kirby Distributors. These professional business men and women are happy to schedule a personal demonstration for you to view our product. You’re darn right they’re happy to do it. Once they cross the threshold to your home they’ll activate some latent sonic device in the model and your wife will be strangely intrigued, and filled with the urge to spend $1200 for a vacuum that’s harder to use than the one you own.

According to the dictionary, a cult refers to a cohesive social group devoted to beliefs or practices that the surrounding population considers to be outside the mainstream. Cults also tend to model themselves after existing church models, with small variations. Knocking on your door in a chipper rhythm, they’ll charm their way into your living room, and make you feel like your life is missing some vital thing. They’ll show you colorful, persuasive literature. They’ll…wait, am I the only one who thinks this is a Mormon offshoot?

Arizona Attorney General Terry Goddard has filed suit against two independent field distributors who make in-home sales of Kirby vacuums for allegedly violating the Arizona Consumer Fraud Act. The Attorney General is claiming the companies targeted the elderly who couldn’t even use the vacuums, but were too nice to say no.

I believe there is a link to Scientology as well. That Hollywood-based religion tends to employ attractive people to increase the drawing power of their product. Both times Kirby sales folks showed up at my place, my wife says a pretty girl was there to set up a demonstration. When she returned at the appointed time, she had a sweaty man in tow and said, “He’ll take care of you. Bye!”

Another scientology link I found was the use of high tech devices to further their nefarious plots. When I asked for the distributor’s information so I could check his business’ credentials, I ran upstairs to get my laptop. By the time I returned, my wi-fi was disabled, and a second man was standing in the room. He claimed to be the supervisor, but when the salesman was on the phone earlier with his supervisor getting me “a better deal”, he said the guy was an hour away. Signal blocking technology? Teleporting capability?

I’ll end with a bit of advice from If you have a chance, check out their web site for the total lowdown on Kirby. “Regarding your marriage: If you are married, and haven't yet experienced a Kirby vacuum salesman, it might be a good idea to discuss the absurdity of $1,290 vacuum cleaners right now, before a vacuum salesman arrives. Consider drafting a "love contract to not buy thousand-dollar vacuum cleaners". This pre-planning may help prepare you for that day when the Kirby man comes calling.”