Thursday, March 19, 2009

Log Off, Coppertop!

Tommy Zor (who despite his name is neither a medieval fantasy hero nor sci-fi villain) is on to something. For nearly two years he’s been preaching the evils of social networking. His cries have been nebulous, lacking substance. After reading his Facebook slander, I realized something deeper is at play. Every irking cultural bother has a conspiracy at its root.

As Tommy’s thoughts begin to unfold before me, about how Facebook is forcing humanity to stay inside, glued to its respective PCs (or Macs!), I detect a nefarious undertone. Something vile must be at the root of this. All of this digital prophet’s points lead me to one conclusion:
The Machines are taking over, humans are voluntarily jacking into a false consciousness, and identities are being lost. Facebook is the Matrix, a computer generated dream world built to keep us under control. Bring the truth, Zor!

You start to believe your own Facebook profile. You become more fake and more ‘fake outgoing.’

There’s no need to actually know anything. Want to know how to fly a chopper? Matrix: call your operator and you will know how in seconds. Facebook: type it in your profile and you’ll ‘know’ how in seconds.

You change your little status message to alert everyone about your Cuba vacation and any every f$%#ing minutia imaginable.

Life is now lived through a filter, constantly jacked in, interfacing with the rest of humanity over cyberspace, while you’re probably sitting a mile away from all your best friends.

You include every aspect of your personal and professional life on the profile. Your schools, where you work, your relatives, address, phone number – anything you would be terrified of if someone got a hold of. Don’t be afraid though, this is the Internet! No bad people on the Internet to abuse the system, ever.”

There’s no need to worry, since you should assume that half of everyone’s details are fake. It’s all an electronic front. Your Facebook profile is your residual self image.

You die, finally. No one notices because you weren’t there to post that as your status message. The end.”

And there you are, to be liquefied so you can be so fed intravenously to the living.

Robin Hanson shares this view, but is more resigned to the inevitability of it all, like Cypher. “Most viewers of this story are led to believe that, given the choice, they would join the rebels…We humans are not even likely to run the future.”

Creepy. What are we to do?! Obviously mankind will not
give up this cocaine-like addiction easily, and definitely not without a leader and savior. Just like the Matrix’s Neo, this would need to be someone from the inside, and individual born of the very system we’re trying to eliminate. Yes, what we need is a dark-haired underachieving white man to save us. Here’s my candidate!

Facebook is the End of Humanity
Facebook Gets More Evil
Wikipedia – Residual Self Image
Was Cypher Right?


  1. Of course! I want to wake up from this dreary, illusioned existence. Does this mean that I can join in on the ridiculously sweaty, raucus rave-party that the enlightened are inevitably enjoying right now at the last, true human web site before the evil hackers take it over? All I have to do is delete my MySpace page, right?

  2. See my Facebook status...

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