Manchurian Candidate

The public debate (if there ever was one) over President Barack Obama's citizenship--and thus legitimacy as Commander in Chief--has long cooled. It doesn't make the news and you won't see people protesting it.

Then my inbox got hit with this:

"In a move certain to fuel the debate over Obama's qualifications for the presidency, the group 'Americans for Freedom of Information' has Released copies of President Obama's college transcripts from Occidental College. Released today, the transcript school indicates that Obama, under the name Barry Soetoro, received financial aid as a foreign student from Indonesia as an undergraduate. The transcript was released by Occidental College in compliance with a court order in a suit brought by the group in the Superior Court of California. The transcript shows that Obama (Soetoro) applied for financial aid and was awarded a fellowship for foreign students from the Fulbright Foundation Scholarship program. "

The email goes on to explain that not only does the scholarship (available only to foreign students) prove that Obama's not a natural born U.S. citizen, but it exerts that the U.S. Supreme Court has agreed to hear the case and determine whether we've got an imposter on our hands.

At first I thought, "Now we're getting somewhere." Because, love him or hate him, you need to know for sure if your president meets the minimum requirements for the job.

Then I decided to check up on the legitimacy of this email. I was quickly met with an onslaught of facts disproving virtually every fact in the email. EVERY fact. Basically the only thing that they got right was that the President's name is Barack Obama and he went to college.

So there's this half-baked chain email (that originated on April Fool's Day, no less) conspiring to bring about anger against the Commander in Chief. But I think there are darker purposes at work.

I'm fairly certain that the White House staff originated this email. Why? The email serves to console "birthers" into a sense that the issue is taken care of, that little else needs to be done, that the conflict will be resolved in due time. And if you don't know that the email's a hoax, then you'll likely forget about the issue and wait to hear about on the news (or in another mass email forward.) They're breeding complacency!

Don't tell me you're not complacent about this; two years ago people wouldn't gloss over the fact that George W. Bush lacked a mastery of the English language, but now everyone glosses over that fact that Obama may lack legitimate claim to the Presidency.

Then second part of this evil conspiracy is (all silliness aside): WHY DON'T YOU JUST PROVIDE PROOF THAT YOU'RE ELIGIBLE TO BE PRESIDENT OR STEP DOWN?! I mean, a military retiree with a military ID card can't even get a menial job without completing the I-9 form. The American people at best are being disregarded and at worst are being tricked, deceived, and led by an imposter.

SOURCES:

About

www.factcheck.org

Washington Post

It started off so innocently…

“Can someone please tell me how to fry twinkies. I tried it last night and they absorbed all the oil. Thanks!”

And then a barrage of replies follows up, answering the questions of how to properly deep fry a Twinkie.

You didn’t catch it did you? There’s a secret phenomenon that we’re being distracted from.

That’s because they don’t want you to know the true power of the Twinkie.

Take another look at the query “they absorbed all the oil.” Seemingly innocuous, this tasty sponge can bestow great powers (and dire curses) upon humanity. Many believe the Twinkie is not of this world, has come from the stars, and like Kryptonite it has curious sway over the minds and bodies of this world.

Several of these traits are known to a small group of enlightened mortals:

The Twinkie can force you to do vile things to push its galactic conservative agenda, as evidenced by the ‘Twinkie Defense’ of Dan White in his trial for the murder of Harvey Milk. White claimed this junk food forced him to kill Milk, but then White’s lawyers mounted a formidable case using the Twinkie as a defense. CONCLUSION: The Twinkie is evil, but fiercely loyal.

The participants in the T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. project spent years subjecting the Twinkie to rigorous scientific testing, and concluded “Twinkies are not sentient in any way we can understand.” CONCLUSION: While most believe this means the Twinkie is not sentient, it actually means this prolific pastry is superior to our minds, above our own comprehension.

Another T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. experiment observed the Twinkie’s reaction to gravitational forces. One of these diabolical delicacies was dropped from a high-rise window, while the ‘control’ cake was simply placed upon the sidewalk. Side-by-side comparison showed that the dropped Twinkie suffered only ‘a small fissure’. CONCLUSION: if you know anything about Twinkies, you know that wound WILL heal.

Finally, a third test yielded curious results: “since the Twinkie is a ‘moist sponge cake’, it is too wet to burn” but “Twinkies actually burn quite nicely once they are dried out.” How is this significant?

“…they absorbed all the oil.”

For those whose minds haven’t collapsed at the sudden revelation, count yourself lucky. The coupling of such eldritch knowledge is akin to that of awareness of Cthulhu. Scoop your brother’s brains off the keyboard, though, and let’s see this to the end.

The Twinkie is capable of defending itself against its only weakness: the flame. I read somewhere that in some remote Oriental cultures, the Twinkie (instead of water) sits opposite fire in the order of the four elements. In fact, many ancient cultures pay homage to this visitor from the heavens.

Now that you know its power (and price)…stand in cautious awe of this galactic goodie, like our enlightened ancestors who erected Twinkhenge in reverence.

SOURCES:

The Query
Twinkie Defense
Twinkie Facts
T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. Project