Monday, June 21, 2010

Conspiracy Mary Monday: Eat That, TDJC!

A week ago, a six-story foam statue of Jesus was struck by lightning and burned to the ground. That you already know, no doubt.

But people are curious as to why. Comments online are widely varied, to this effect: 'Maybe God was actually serious when He said that whole 'graven images' thing. Maybe God hates Jesus. Or maybe it was lighting striking the tallest metal frame in the area.'

But the truth struck me as soon as I saw the news story. I immediately knew the culprit. The only thing that delayed this post was finding the evidence. Apparently Momma doesn't want to be found.

I took a trip to Port Arthur, Texas, several years ago for a wedding. The locals all said the same thing: "You HAVE to see this statue!" The site scared me, and the imagery haunts my dreams more than white owls after watching The Fourth Kind.

After the burning Jesus statue story broke, I went to my electronic photo album, where I had three pictures of this horrific lady whom I deemed responsible for the Ohio blasphemy. The photos were gone. The photos of the wedding remained; only the pictures of the statue and its shrine were missing.

So I searched the web for similar statues in Port Arthur, Texas. Nada. My hope was to pull it up on Google Maps Street View, but no results were found.

Then I contacted the friend from that town, who finally told my that the church was Our Lady of Guadalupe. So I pulled it up online. Google Maps showed it prominently, but Street View wasn't an option. So I FORCED Street View, and the following images came up.

So, my lady, you are still veiled in secrecy. So I dug deeper. The church that houses the shrine that houses the statue has a website. There I was able to find possibly the only two remaining snapshots of the one who called for JC to get capped.

Touchdown Jesus, meet Hellraiser Mary.

You cannot defeat her. She's already done $700,000 worth of damage with her Storm-like superpowers from over 1,000 miles away. Now you plan to rebuild, Ohio church? She laughs at you. Chick has like four dozen lightning rods and hasn't yet been taken down by Zeus's bolts.

"You wanna compete with Momma in the most distracting roadside statue contest? Bring it," she scoffs, "and also, 45 Hail Maries."



  1. Finally someone speaks the truth.

  2. I'm not a religious person, but I will say that the touchdown Jesus was indeed a bit scary. Also, that lightning bolt chick is wicked awesome!